Pride

I'd like to try and address pride today. Now, this is not going to be your normal, everyday discussion on pride but then what is there on this blog that you have read that IS normal?

I was thinking the other day. Really, I was feeling rather hypocritical. I think I have mentioned before that I have much more patience with others as far as their feelings (be they negative or positive), problems, and the like are concerned. I can more easily accept and even encourage the feelings and the expression of those feelings in others than with myself. When it comes to my own feelings, especially those that I deem to be 'negative' (ie anger, sadness, depression) I often tell myself that I am reacting inappropriatly; that I am being unreasonable or melodramatic; that I have no business feeling that way. It's funny because I know that such thoughts themselves are unreasonable. Can I stop them? No. Would I like to? Mmm, I think so, yes.

How does this all relate to pride you ask? Well to start I have come to the conclusion that many sins can be linked back to pride if you really look hard enough. Are such impatient thoughts and feelings toward myself sins? I don't think so, not really. And what about these thoughts makes me hypocritical? Well, I'll tell you.

I have the distinct impression that a lot of my problem is that for some reason I do not believe I should feel this way. I do not think I should get angry, and more imprtantly I do not think I should be so easily saddened, that I should be depressed. I try and tell myself that it is because I believe I have no reason to be depressed, that I am causing it or making it worse. And yet, I wonder... Is my problem more of a pride issue? Could I be thinking that I shouldn't be depressed because, for some reason I can not even begin to come up with, I believe that I just SHOULDN'T feel that way; that it is beneath me? I don't know. I very much hope not. And yet...

I do not like the way my thoughts have turned regarding this. I do not like the idea that I could possibly feel 'better' than depression. Intellectually I know that is not the case. Yet I shudder to think that the rest of me does not. That once again the disconnect that exists between my head and my heart is rearing its ugly head and causing problems yet again.

Just another thing to be frusterated with myself about I suppose... *sigh*

C'est la vie.