"A Perpetual Twilight", An Attempt at an Explination

My intent was to explain my last blog, to put it in to 'plain English', as it were. Be aware, though, I am not sure that what is to follow will make much more sense than the nonsensical ramblings in the preceding blog. You have been warned.

It seemed to me that once I acknowledged that 'the Incident' which took place the previous spring with a former University instructor was, in fact, a 'big deal' (although to be quite honest I still find myself questioning EXACTLY how big a deal it was... and usually come to the conclusion that it still is nothing to write home about) I started feeling better (this last, longest, and worst episode of major depression actually began some time shortly after 'the Incident'). It seemed so gradual that I did not really notice it all that much. One day I just felt Normal. Those of you that experience normal on a regular basis (even your bad days are normal, at least compared to a life plagued by chronic major depression, believe me... Thankfully for you they just don't compare) probably do not understand. Your normal is... well... normal, and there for easily take for granted. You (probably unknowingly) just expect life to be that way. So you will just have to take my word for it. Normal is something to be treasured. And finally, after what seemed forever (to the point that I was honestly confounded at the realization that everyone else seemed to laugh so much more than I, to enjoy things more fully -or at all, for that matter-... as a matter of fact I thought THEY were the ones that were 'abnormal' if you can believe it) I was experiencing genuine enjoyment, laughing, smiling, and actually FEELING it. Life seemed to once again be possible, goals and dreams once lost to me, seemingly attainable once again. Life in and of itself seemed much less overwhelming. Not only could I say that I did not want to die (in a previous blog I wrote "It's not that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to be alive any more), I could also say that the idea of continuing to live no longer brought with it an awful, dismal feeling. I no longer felt 'done but stuck' meaning, as my therapist wrote in my chart, that no longer felt like I wanted to die but was 'unable or unwilling' to kill myself (which evidently caused the poor man a bit of confusion... but then again it caused me a bit of confusion as well and more than a little distress).

Normal. For days, weeks, longer than ever before... I began to think that maybe Normal would trade places with Out of Sorts, Lousy, Awful, and Beyond Awful, that they would become the infrequent visitors and Normal the (mostly) constant companion.

Just as gradually and yet seemingly very abruptly, Normal became tainted, distorted as if by a thick fog. The future never did take on the appearance of something truly attainable. Once again it was flooded with an impenetrable fog such that it no longer held any appeal. Rather, thoughts of that unknown future brought with them once again feelings I can only describe as those of dismay and melancholy. And even those words are wholly in accurate for they do not come close to doing the feeling justice. Now, I have been lead to believe that my ability to experience, describe, and talk about feelings and emotions is significantly less than what it should be, and this is, more than likely, pretty accurate. However, in this instance in particular I would argue that most people would be unable to describe this particular feeling accurately enough. Having said that, I hope there are very few (in comparison) who have the need to describe such a feeling. I very much desire that no one else need experience it, though I am not so naive to believe that I am the only one that finds myself in such a situation. I am all too aware that too many before me, too many of my contemporaries, and too many after me have or will experience it.

It has occurred to me that what has frustrated me most about this 'Perpetual Twilight' is that, comparatively speaking, I was allowed only a brief moment of pure Normalcy before it became tainted, stained by some unknown malevolent force. Also it is not the dysthymia I most often experience in between bouts of moderate to severe major depression. Though not exactly... well, no, that would be preferable to this because at least THAT I understand. THAT is less frustrating. TO live with the enjoyment of a moment, the genuine smiles and laughter that I can actually FEEL... only to be overwhelmed by that indescribable feeling when I think of a future that seems rather like it is just not worth it, a future that contains nothing more than a dark, damp, and choking fog... to have those moments of blissful Normalcy eclipsed by feelings which should by all rights stay with the depression, however brief they may be... to find it increasingly difficult not to cut... to once again begin to think of death not as something undesirable and to be feared but rather as something innocuous (and whats worse), something that would be a relief, a blissful end to this tumultuous life... to have Normal sullied in such a way! Can you imagine the frustration and anguish that comes when such dark thoughts and feelings suddenly mar your present experience of joy of all tings Normal? I honestly pray that you can not.

I want one or the other. God, give me the inky darkness of night or the golden warmth of daylight. Do not dangle one in front of me and allow my Normal, my moments of sincere smiles and real laughter to be tarnished so. Please, no more twilight. Let it be one or the other. Either would be preferable to biting into this perfect, warm, fresh apple only to discover a worm. Do you truly not understand?

A Perpetual Twilight

It’s very much like traveling to a new country, or one to which you had not been for many years making the memory no more tan a dream, veiled in a thick fog, distorted and unreal. Your first reaction is one of awe, wonder, and an excitement which fairly radiates from somewhere deep inside. Every turn you take, every sight your eager eyes capture to be filed away as a precious keepsake seems to you the most alluring, most mesmerizing, wonderful thing you have ever seen. My lord, until now you had been SO unaware of what you were missing! The mind reels at the thought that you never knew such a place existed. What is more you now see clearly from whence you came. The scales fall from your eyes and you realize how wretched that place you once inhabited truly was. You find yourself dumbfounded that you had once preferred that musty, stifling hole to what lay beyond (whatever that was you did not know), what is more, that you existed there so long.

Then, gradually, you begin to emerge from your state of euphoric reveling and notice that dusk has settled around you, enveloping everything in an eerie light casting amorphous shadows all around you. A rising Uncertainty begins to blot out the wonder and awe you s recently had enjoyed. As dusk gives way to twilight and twilight to the cold cloak of night your joy becomes eclipsed by something dark and familiar. Ambiguity. A dull, Lifelessness you were certain had been left in that dank hole leaving you free for the first time in what seemed an eternity. As the Uncertainty continues to slowly wash over you you cling to the hopefulness that had just recently bathed you in its warm glow. Its there, a former shadow of its former magnificence. There, in the dead of night (dead? You shudder as memories of a time in the not some distant past when you existed in such a state of living death begin to assault you, a time when you longed for a real death, knowing it would be a relief) you frantically search for any sign of twilight and the coming dawn but find none. You flip through the quickly faded memories of the Joy and Hopefulness you recently experienced. You find it here, fighting against the darkness that threatens to imprison it forever. You see its faint light along the horizon struggling in vain to prevent the black veil of Ambiguity, of that which came Before, from once again consuming you. The twilight before the dawn. And there you remain, a poor imitation of the Normal you believed you had finally achieved, a Normal now tainted by Uncertainty, Ambiguity. And… Something else… A Something which you are unable to name and therefore unable to gain control over regardless how long you wrestle with it. A perpetual twilight.
~
(to be continued at a later date... the explination comes)