"Summery of my Time in Hell" OR "What Happened at Mondays Counseling Session" (yet another rant)

Seems that I am in a ranting mood. I apologise for this. Maybe though someone who has not been through such a situation but may in the future will run across this and it will not be so unfamiliar to them as it was to me.

What in the world am I talking about? Have any of y'all been in what mental health professionals like to call a 'crisis situation'? I have. At least, they thought I was. The fact that I wasn't in immediate danger of offing myself seemed to fly directly under their radar. Just a tip before I go on, it is not a good idea to tell your therapist (among other things) that you just aren't sure why folks are so worried about dying, why they cling to life so, after all all life is is waking up, surviving, and going back to bed.

But I digress...

Have I been suicidal in the past? Yes. Have I been suicidal recently? You bet 'cha. Was I, at the time of my session yesterday afternoon suicidal? No, not really. Did thoughts of suicide float through my head yesterday? Yes, they often do. As a matter of fact after I finally got to go home they just got stronger. I was humiliated, after all.

Here's the story:

I went to my normal Monday counseling session... And wound up in the university counseling center for something like 3 1/2 hours... How long is a normal session you ask? 50 minutes. And what took so long? Let me tell you...

First my counselor and one of his supervisors discussed whether or not to call the guy from the county office in (one of the folks that comes and tells you whether or not you need to go to hospital). Once that was decided he needed to be gotten a hold of (which took much longer than either I or my counselor -who had to sit and watch me chip off my nail polish- had figured). Then he and I butted heads for a bit. Mostly on what I was willing to agree to (which wasn't much). As a matter of fact I DISAGREED to one thing that wound up on the 'contract' but was eventually told that if I didn't agree to what he was proposing he would have to 'make some phone calls' (a backward way of saying it was either that or hospital). Come to think of it I didn't really agree with much that wound up on that contract. But giving in kept me out of hospital which means my family doesn't have to know about it.


So,what wound up on the contract?

*No alcohol or 'any other drugs' other than those prescribed to me.
*No cutting (did you know they call razors and knives 'sharps' when they think you're nuts).
*I had to throw out my razor blades (you have no idea how tempted I was to tear apart my shaving razor).
*I've got to go in again today (sadly my counselor is busy so I have to see someone else) so they know I'm still alive and behaving myself and then I've got to call in until my next session with my counselor this Thursday.
*And my room mate had to baby-sit me last night. Actually I think she's kind of got to baby-sit me till Thursday at least... I had to call another friend to come hang out with me while she was at work last night.
*And I had to give my room mate my Tylenol (which she took out and locked in the trunk of her car on the county guys suggestion).
All this to continue until Thursday when I see my counselor again and then we'll go from there.

I am completely and utterly humiliated AND I've got a bill coming that I am sure is going to be rather substantial for services I didn't even want (county guy bullying me for an hour and a half)!!!

The End

Just a Rant...

Exactly what it says. A reaction to my supervisor at work bothering me (AGAIN) about my cutting... Not just toward this one person though...

"For heaven sake, please, JUST STOP!!! Don't you know it makes things WORSE?! Don't fuss, don't care, don't bother! Don't worry about me, don't try and take care of me or figure me out! I cut, yes. I've ODd several times (not that you know that). I've wished to die, seen myself slitting my wrists. I know how many pills I need and the best way to do it. So you have every reason TO worry. But don't. If it happens it happens. There will be no stopping it. It will be a well thought out decision. But you won't be able to stop it. And fussing over me, coddeling me... It just makes things worse. So please, stop. You just push me closer..."