I know everyone is weighing in on this today (and yesterday, and tomorrow...) but I wanted to put my two cents in. Not necessarily because I am overcome with sadness at his passing in particular (though I will admit to some sort of feeling of loss... good movies, VERY handsome... and it's always tragic when someone dies so suddenly). Rather what struck me the most, what latched onto me yesterday afternoon with such an iron fisted grip that as I think about it even now I am overcome with some feeling which I can not name but most certainly would prefer to not feel... accidental overdose..? Or suicide? They're not sure. The preliminary autopsy was inconclusive... the full autopsy and the battery of tests that go with will not be completed for another ten days.
Suicide.
The word hits me with more force now than it did in the past. Perhaps because I've been there. Because I have felt the hopelessness, the emptiness that rolls over you like an ocean wave threatening to drown you... and what's worse... at times drowning in it seemed preferable to fighting it... fighting the hollow feelings, the feelings of despair, feelings that, no matter how many people there are in your life, you are, in fact, alone.
The truth is y'all... we are not alone. I know it's easy to say... but remember what I just said? I've been there. And I'll tell, you there have been a couple times that, looking back on those times when I came so close to giving up, I find myself very glad that I didn't... that I fought against the pull of that ocean wave of despair... and, for now at least, I won.
If your interested you should check out this site 'To Write Love On Her Arms' (www.twloha.com). It's goal is to bring more awareness to things like self injury, addiction, depression, and suicide. They're also on myspace too (I think you can find a link to their myspace page on their site)... Jamies recent blog is really amazing...
Take care all and please remember... it really does get better.
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