This is actually something I wrote for my blog on myspace...
_________________________________________________________________
I'm wondering... is it truly possible to fully understand another’s experience? I have, in the past, informed others that though they might have great knowledge of something I am experiencing they will never be able to TRUELY understand it until they have experienced it, not through their reading or the experience of others they have known, but through their own experience. This observation is followed closely by the hope that we never will share that experience...
What has brought me to this discussion today? Honestly? The need to be understood. Not to have my experience understood by others (for that is something that I believe cannot happen, not TRUELY). To have others believe me, in my experiences, even if they can not understand it themselves.
I saw my family this past week. No surprises there, after all, it was Thanksgiving just this past Thursday. To be honest... I dreaded it. Why? Family events are supposed to be enjoyable, and usually, for me, they are. However, recently I haven't wanted to be with anyone. I've been rather uncommunicative, to the point of neglecting my friends and family (even those hurting who I should be caring for). Neglecting my school work, my spiritual life, and other responsibilities (of which I have tried to have few this school year because I knew I would be worthless). Sound like depression to any of you? Who is surprised? I bet many that know me (assuming you didn't already know of my past struggles with depression) are pretty shocked. In the past (I've lived with this for many years folks) I have prided myself in my ability to hide it. To be able to take care of others and make them feel that everything is alright as far as I am concerned...even when I am empty...hurting. Don't feel bad. No worries. That was the idea.
But I digress...
It's never been this bad...never been... uncontrollable before. However recently, I've lost control of it...and it's taken control. And so... I do nothing, or as close to nothing as I can get.
Why am I telling you all this? The other day, my sister (who is the only one in my family that really knows about my depression, the meds I am taking, counseling, all that good stuff ) and I were talking about it. It came about during a discussion of grad school. See, I've decided to take a year off after I graduate. I can't do it now. I just can't. I can't study for the GRE, I can't do well on the GRE, and I can't get into grad school. And so I thought I might take time and hopefully get a handle on all this again (though at this point I'm not sure that's possible). When I told her my plans she told me I should drop some extracurricular so that I COULD study for the GRE and go to grad school in the fall. And so I told her. That I'm barely making it to my classes. That I RARELY get studying done for those I am taking now (only two). And that even my extracurricular (of which there are few) are suffering. Her response? She thought I was taking medication that was supposed to 'fix' that. What followed was a list of suggestions of things I could do to essentially pull myself up by my boot-straps and 'fix' this problem. She seemed to think she understood and that she knew how to fix it. Not only that but that I wasn't trying.
And she seemed to think she understood. I have a hard time believing that. Can you TRUELY understand my experience? Maybe you can come close... maybe you have lived with depression for just as long as I have... maybe you are trying to hide it from everyone as best you can. Maybe you SI... there are a million maybes here that could put you in a situation similar to mine... but it won't be MINE... and so I do not believe you will be able to fully understand my situation, my experience... what it is like to be ME. Is there anything wrong with that? No, I don't think so... not as long as you understand... that you will never FULLY understand...
No comments:
Post a Comment