My family recently learned about my cutting. It wasn't entierly an accident. My younger cousin recently wound up in the hospital with a concussion, a neck injury, and a host of other problems from over dosing while she was huffing keyboard cleaner. In an attempt to make a point to a couple of my other younger cousins I told them about my cutting. My Aunt later asked one of the girls what I had said and while she tried not to tell one thing lead to another and my Aunt learned of my secreat shame.
I am actually not sure who all knows. The girls, my Aunt, my mom... It doesn't matter, it is too many. And the concern, the worry, the nagging that comes with it...
I know it sounds unreasonable, stupid even, but I don't want any of it. People talking about my 'hurting' makes me want to roll my eyes and gag. People believing they can help when they can't, thinking that I even want their help in the first place. I don't want their concern, their worry, their help, their comfort. I don't want their pitty and I don't want to be taken care of.
Sound a bit strange? I think it is confusing for those of my family involved too, don't worry. To be honest I don't have a good reason for you. I just don't remember a time I ever really liked any of that.
I'm not a hug person. Now most folks who know me would be suprised to hear that, and they deffinatly wouldn't agree. Let me explain what I am talking about.
I love people. Sometimes I'd like to smack some of them upside the head, but I love people. I want them to feel comfortable, wanted, stuff like that. And I have a tendancy to be very expressive in this pursuite. I will hug and throw my arm around someones sholder in order to draw them out or make them feel better. I think this has caused some confusion on the part of others because I tend to get hugged and draped all over the same way. I can't stand it. I have to work to not stiffen at their touch and not let them know I'd rather they weren't touching me, hugging me, whatever. I don't appreciate a hand on my back as someone talks to me (if you're letting me know you're passing behind me that's ok).
This goes double when I am feeling lousy. I don't want a hug when I am crying or otherwise feeling bad. If I do I will ask for one. I remember one time I was upset, a friend had just died. My mom reached behind her to where I was sitting in the back of the car and rubbed my knee. I wanted to tell her to just leave me alone. In fact I was disgusted with the touch.
I have come to the conclusion that as long as I am the one to initiate the touch I'm OK with it. Otherwise, I'd just as soon be left alone.
It's the same way with concern, comfort, and the like. I don't want to be taken care of and I don't want unsolicited comfort.
lol I'm going to stop now as I seem to be repeating myself.
My point: I just want to be left alone, for heaven sake.
There, that is my unreasonableness for the day lol
1 comment:
I think this goes part in hand with the whole stupid idea that anyone who self-harms is "crying for attention". From my experience this is almost never the case as most of the self-harmers I know go out of their way to hide it! (Although I have to admit when i went through my phase I didn't hide it, but that was more simply because I just didn't care what people thought rather than because I wanted them to pay attention).
While self-harming isn't the best thing in the long term, it is a way that a lot of us have learned to "cope" with things. What some people don't realise is that by harassing and forcibly stopping people from self-harming you can be taking away their ability to handle the world.
~Shiv
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