The Realization

It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks; a realization so unwelcome, so unexpected, and so devastating that, once it fully sank in, I felt something akin to grief.

To fully explain I must first give you some idea of how this revelation came about. The problem is that, in order to do so I'm afraid I have to make myself sound like a stupid, jealous, unreasonable child (which may unfortunately be pretty accurate, from time to time at least).

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She was rude and inconsiderate of anyone's feelings other than her own. Tactless and critical she had been driving me nuts the previous few days (despite my best efforts to not let her get to me. We were on a mission trip for crying out loud!). Worse still her behavior toward a mutual (married) friend was irritatingly inappropriate. She seemed to always be sitting by him and she flirted with him constantly. And I was jealous. I knew it. I knew it, I hated it, and I couldn't seem to do a damn thing about it.

One night while observing the interaction between these two and (silently) reminding myself not to be an idiot, that ton of bricks came crashing down on me. What I was really jealous of was how comfortable the relationship between the two seemed to be. How she seemed almost to take for granted that he cared for her. How easy the (platonic) intimacy was between the two. I realized how much I wanted to have the same certainty in my relationships. The same easy intimacy.

And I realized that none of that may ever be possible.

It feels impossible, at any rate. I'm not sure I can. I don't even think I know how. And I can't figure it out any further because I don't understand it. I can't explain it any further, can't take it any farther in my own head... so how am I supposed to fix it?

A Preface

*sigh* There seem to be so many things I cannot explain. So many feelings I cannot quite put words to. Understandings that I can take no further. Worse, the harder I try the more frustrated and unhappy I become. But I'm going to try. I am going to stumble around these most pressing of topics and then post them here, on my blog, in the vain, desperate hope that someone will read and understand. That someone somewhere can at the very least point me in the direction I need to go to figure this stuff out And before anyone states the obvious, no, therapy is not an option. Believe me if I could afford it (I have no health insurance) I am desperate enough now that I would already be looking for a good therapist.