I was walking to the library from a class today, listening to my ipod (another Between the Trees song, A Time for Yohe) and... not exactly marveling, that denotes some awe, something good about it... anyway, thinking about how, watching me stride across campus, no one would be able to tell how awful I am feeling. I appear purposeful and confident. Not depressed and defeated. Watching me interact with others wouldn't give much of a clue either. As a matter of fact I saw a friend whom I hadn't seen for a while and I am willing to bet she didn't even notice. And that's fine. It says nothing bad about her. And it was good to see her.
Sometimes I think I wish I could appear on the outside the way I feel on the inside. But I don't think that would be very productive. I have a very good idea that should I behave the way I actually feel I'd get nothing done. I wouldn't go any where... I wouldn't do anything except for lie in bed and stare vacantly up at the ceiling, hoping for a way out of this Pit of Despair and back to the Dysthymic Haze on the Plateau that I normally exist on. Searching for a Light in the impenetrable Darkness that threatens to swallow me whole, to smother me... Intellectually I know it exists. Intellectually I know there is a Light, a way back, a way out. But that's just Head Knowledge. My Heart knows nothing but an all-consuming Emptiness, a deep penetrating Sadness...
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