I Survived

Had my doctors appointment today and, thankfully, survived it. This is more than likely because it was just to talk about my meds and apparently he knew nothing of my history (needless to say I only told him what I needed to).

Unfortunately I am supposed to go back in two weeks for a 'full exam' (ladies, you can sympathise I am sure). The only bright spot of that is that apparently the guy I saw today, nice as he was, will not be doing it as he is not actually my PCP.

Having said that I am going to take a moment to sound immature and silly.

Don't make me go to this... I don't want to :'(

Moment over. I know it's not a big deal and I'm being stupid. Thanks for bearing with me.

That's Not Really The Problem...

So I finally found a new Doctor... only a half an hour drive over a shit load of hills but I found one.

But...

That's not really the problem...

He's an intern which means he probably won't be there for too long (internship is something like
3 years I think and I am not sure how long he has been there already)... I'm not thrilled about that as it means that, should I stay in the area for a few more years at least I will have to find another doctor.

But...

That's not really the problem...

I looked him up on the clinics web site (being a resident I figured he was probably rather young). From the picture of him and the fact that undergraduate school is four years and med school is another four I'd guess he's only a few years older than me... probably younger than my older sister... That's a little weird.

But...

That's not really the problem.

Obviously, from the above bit, the doctor is a guy. That can come with it's own set of 'worries' (OK so I'm easily embarrassed, doctor or no...) but as women, especially those in helping professions -at least when I am the one they are dealing with- tend to 'bug' me (very descriptive, I know) it's not worrying me all that much... yet.

But..

That's not really the problem.

So what the hell 'really the problem'?

My scars. My history (specifically the last four years, more precisely the last two, and even more so, that year or so from about May 2007 through July or August 2008).

Those things, that's 'really the problem'.

My scars. I'm mortified about someone else seeing them. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. People tell you not to be, hell, I tell others not to be. I've had folks in the medical profession tell me the equivalent of 'you shouldn't be ashamed'... but what they are really saying is ' don't be ashamed, you're totally messed up, you can't help it'.

My 'history'. *shudder* I don't want to go into that either. I don't want to tell another person, another stranger, that I wanted to die. I don't want to talk about how bad it got. I don't want to have someone ask, wonder, how I'm feeling... not again.

That's 'really the problem'.