To give up would be so easy
To give in to the images
To hand control over to the urges
To heed the thoughts that spin in my head
To depart
To continue on would be taxing
To push forward through the pain
To advance, heedless of the pull to surrender
To persist in spite of seemingly overwhelming odds
To linger
The choice
To forsake this earthly body
Or tarry a moment longer
Hoping for a better tomorrow
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Three Days Grace: It's Never Too Late
Heard this on the radio yesterday... just the last bit of the chorus, sounded like something that would 'speak to me', if you'll allow me to use a cliche, so found it on Youtube.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Of Fraternal Twins and Physical Abuse
As a child I quickly learned the difference between identical and fraternal twins(once I knew what twins were, lol). My mom insisted that my brother and I develop our own personalities and were not just known as 'the twins'. So much so that no one was allowed to refer to us as such. One day my brother and I came home from preschool and asked our mother what twins were. It turns out one of the teachers had refereed to us as such and we didn't know what in the world she was talking about! I think my mom went a bit over board but my brother and I do have very distinct personalities, which is more than I can say for some twins I know.
But I digress. Being a fraternal twin, especially one of a set of each (a girl and a boy) can be difficult as a child. As I said, I knew much earlier in life than other kids the difference between fraternal twins and identical twins (right down to the fact that one involves two seperate eggs and the other involves just one, that splits). This was out of necessity as my brother and I often ran into the child who (understandably so) did not understand the difference, and further more did not believe that we were twins. More than once I went home crying because, despite my best efforts to explain, one (or more) of my classmates did not believe that my brother and I were twins.
As I got older most people became aware of the difference and the possibility of having a set of twins of different genders (though you may be suprised how often I still have to explain the difference -though usually it is now more explaining why we don't look alike, and not so much why we are not the same gender- to not only my peers but also those older, and supposedly wiser, individuals). As such it became less of an issue with me, something that no longer really bothered me. That change did not, however, mean the end of my problems with the fraternal/identical twin issue.
You may be asking yourself "Well, what else is there?". Let me tell you.
Now, while I will be the first to tell you that being a twin is not all that the rest of you think it is, it has always been a part of me, and to some extent will always be something I value. Therefore it has become a point of contention with me that, when people think of or talk about twins it is always identical twins, or at least twins of the same gender. It is like fraternal twins, especially those of us who belong to a set of different gendered fraternal twins, don't really exist. Even the scientific community pays us very little mind (though this is more understandable as identical twins, because of their identical genetic makeup make it much easier to study such things as how certain disorders may be inhereited). As such I will admit to just a little bit of bitterness when twins are discussed and once again identical and same gender fraternal twins are all that is considered (NOTE: I continue to make a distinction between identical and same gender fraternal twins because most same gender fraternal twins are often mistaken as identical twins because of a strong resembilance when in fact reletaviely few twins are actually genetically identical).
By now you are probably wondering about my title and what the hell the difference between identical and fraternal twins has to do with physical abuse. Simply put, they are connected because I have similar problems with both topics.
Abuse. Say the word, read it, hear it on the radio or on television and most people immediatly come up with sexual abuse. I would like to take this opportunity to reasure you all that I do not believe sexual abuse to be less harmful than any of the rest of of the population. I DO however, believe it to be no MORE harmful than physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, a view that is not often shared by others.
I was physically (and psychologically/emotionaly) abused as a child. To some extent all of us children were, my brother and sister to a much lesser extent (both in severity and frequency). My theory as to the difference here is that they were less confrontational children than I (though I sometimes joke that their survival instincts -or to use Freud, their life instincts- were much stronger than mine). I am a rare individual in that I can't remember a time I ever believed the abuse was my fault. I always seemed to know that it was my dads responsibility and that, though I had behaved in a way that may have been inappropriate such treatment was never warrented (once when I was in my early to mid teens and he tried to apologise -the kind of "I'm sorry, but..." apologies that I hate- for an 'episode of abuse' I went so far as to interrupet him with "No, there is no 'but'. It doesn't matter what has happened, there is no excuse, no one deserves that", something that actually left him speechless and, I think, contributed greatly to the fact that he did not beat me again for several years -though the psychological and emotional abuse continued-). I think in part that is what got me into so much trouble. While I was a sarchastic child and prone to talking back, I also had a sense of when something was wrong and that included my dads treatment of me... which often lead to me sticking up for myself, something my dad probably saw as 'talking back', which ultimatly lead to some sort of trouble. It doesn't help that I was a rather obstinant, often stubborn (and sometimes stupid) child. For example, during the same 'episode of abuse' that lead to my dads failed (and unaccepted) apology there was some phrase, something he wanted me to say or admit to that when I finally did, he stopped hitting me and went back to his seat (this was actually on the way home from a Good Friday service... he actually pulled over to the side of the road and came into the back seat to beat me-)where, before he started back on the road he turned around and said "Now that wasn't so hard was it?" to which I replied through tears and with a good glare "I LIED!!"... Needless to say the beating recommenced directly after my defiant reply.
The abuse I suffered (and to some extent am still likely to become victim of again later in life as he hasnt stopped... the most recent episode was only two Christmases ago) was no less real, no less damaging, and hurt no less than sexual abuse. And yet it seems that sexual abuse is all you hear about. Worse still I have heared more than once that sexul abuse is the WORST form of abuse. As I have said, I believe that all abuse is equally harmful to the person that suffered it.
And so I will continue this fight. Should I? Some would say no. Others would give an emphatic 'Yes!'. Regardless of the opinion of others, I WILL continue. I can do no less... it hurts too much to do otherwise.
But I digress. Being a fraternal twin, especially one of a set of each (a girl and a boy) can be difficult as a child. As I said, I knew much earlier in life than other kids the difference between fraternal twins and identical twins (right down to the fact that one involves two seperate eggs and the other involves just one, that splits). This was out of necessity as my brother and I often ran into the child who (understandably so) did not understand the difference, and further more did not believe that we were twins. More than once I went home crying because, despite my best efforts to explain, one (or more) of my classmates did not believe that my brother and I were twins.
As I got older most people became aware of the difference and the possibility of having a set of twins of different genders (though you may be suprised how often I still have to explain the difference -though usually it is now more explaining why we don't look alike, and not so much why we are not the same gender- to not only my peers but also those older, and supposedly wiser, individuals). As such it became less of an issue with me, something that no longer really bothered me. That change did not, however, mean the end of my problems with the fraternal/identical twin issue.
You may be asking yourself "Well, what else is there?". Let me tell you.
Now, while I will be the first to tell you that being a twin is not all that the rest of you think it is, it has always been a part of me, and to some extent will always be something I value. Therefore it has become a point of contention with me that, when people think of or talk about twins it is always identical twins, or at least twins of the same gender. It is like fraternal twins, especially those of us who belong to a set of different gendered fraternal twins, don't really exist. Even the scientific community pays us very little mind (though this is more understandable as identical twins, because of their identical genetic makeup make it much easier to study such things as how certain disorders may be inhereited). As such I will admit to just a little bit of bitterness when twins are discussed and once again identical and same gender fraternal twins are all that is considered (NOTE: I continue to make a distinction between identical and same gender fraternal twins because most same gender fraternal twins are often mistaken as identical twins because of a strong resembilance when in fact reletaviely few twins are actually genetically identical).
By now you are probably wondering about my title and what the hell the difference between identical and fraternal twins has to do with physical abuse. Simply put, they are connected because I have similar problems with both topics.
Abuse. Say the word, read it, hear it on the radio or on television and most people immediatly come up with sexual abuse. I would like to take this opportunity to reasure you all that I do not believe sexual abuse to be less harmful than any of the rest of of the population. I DO however, believe it to be no MORE harmful than physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, a view that is not often shared by others.
I was physically (and psychologically/emotionaly) abused as a child. To some extent all of us children were, my brother and sister to a much lesser extent (both in severity and frequency). My theory as to the difference here is that they were less confrontational children than I (though I sometimes joke that their survival instincts -or to use Freud, their life instincts- were much stronger than mine). I am a rare individual in that I can't remember a time I ever believed the abuse was my fault. I always seemed to know that it was my dads responsibility and that, though I had behaved in a way that may have been inappropriate such treatment was never warrented (once when I was in my early to mid teens and he tried to apologise -the kind of "I'm sorry, but..." apologies that I hate- for an 'episode of abuse' I went so far as to interrupet him with "No, there is no 'but'. It doesn't matter what has happened, there is no excuse, no one deserves that", something that actually left him speechless and, I think, contributed greatly to the fact that he did not beat me again for several years -though the psychological and emotional abuse continued-). I think in part that is what got me into so much trouble. While I was a sarchastic child and prone to talking back, I also had a sense of when something was wrong and that included my dads treatment of me... which often lead to me sticking up for myself, something my dad probably saw as 'talking back', which ultimatly lead to some sort of trouble. It doesn't help that I was a rather obstinant, often stubborn (and sometimes stupid) child. For example, during the same 'episode of abuse' that lead to my dads failed (and unaccepted) apology there was some phrase, something he wanted me to say or admit to that when I finally did, he stopped hitting me and went back to his seat (this was actually on the way home from a Good Friday service... he actually pulled over to the side of the road and came into the back seat to beat me-)where, before he started back on the road he turned around and said "Now that wasn't so hard was it?" to which I replied through tears and with a good glare "I LIED!!"... Needless to say the beating recommenced directly after my defiant reply.
The abuse I suffered (and to some extent am still likely to become victim of again later in life as he hasnt stopped... the most recent episode was only two Christmases ago) was no less real, no less damaging, and hurt no less than sexual abuse. And yet it seems that sexual abuse is all you hear about. Worse still I have heared more than once that sexul abuse is the WORST form of abuse. As I have said, I believe that all abuse is equally harmful to the person that suffered it.
And so I will continue this fight. Should I? Some would say no. Others would give an emphatic 'Yes!'. Regardless of the opinion of others, I WILL continue. I can do no less... it hurts too much to do otherwise.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Too Much of a Good Thing?
I know, I complain a lot about the help I recieve. It's not that it's bad or anything, it's just that... I guess I'm still humiliated on some level, though I would never tell my therapist that. More than that though, it just continues to take me places I'd rather not go... which I know is the point... but sometimes I wonder if it can do more harm than good some days.
I hate being asked how I'm feeling at that moment, what I'm thinking, can I elaborate on something. Mostly, if it has anything to do with feelings, especially how I'm feeling at that moment, I'd rather not discuss it.
He (my therapist) did a lot of that today. In a fifty minute session he 'checked in' at lest half a dozen times. He also applied a common strategy as far as therapy goes (we learned it in my helping interview class winter term) and matched my tone, and, to a larger extent, my affect. Good strategy, ment to make the client feel at ease... and it's usually pretty effective... however the quiet, patient, 'soft' tone and demeanor is also something I just don't handle very well (weird I know... I blame my impatient, abusive dad for at least part of that)... I ALMOST asked him to knock it off (stopped myself just in time... after all he's only doing his job).
OK, therapy, whatever, that's not a lot, I'll agree with you.
Add the meds appointments where I've also got to go through similar (though thankfully less detailed) discussions as to how I'm feeling, how has my cutting been, my drinking...
Add to THAT the case worker who is pretty much like a therapist only this guy even asks me if I've got enough to eat (and if I'm eating enough... yes, and no *shrug*). Last weeks appointment included discussion about my depression (how long, etc) cutting (how often, how deep, what I use :-s, etc).
OK, what am I complaning about, there are lots of people who want help but are unable to get it, and here I am with what I consider to be an overabundance...
*shrug* I'm stupid I suppose (or at least a little silly). I hate it, I can't stand it... I feel humiliated. I know it's unreasonable... Y'all have 'hear' me say more than once that I am aware of my double standard when comparing myself to others... that I lack the patience and understanding that I naturally extend to others. I've got a BA in psychology for crying out loud!!! You'd think I'd get it together. And intelectually I know all that good stuff... It's just the rest of me that has a hard time coming to terms with it.
Pointless blog, but it almost feels better to have written it. Almost.
I hate being asked how I'm feeling at that moment, what I'm thinking, can I elaborate on something. Mostly, if it has anything to do with feelings, especially how I'm feeling at that moment, I'd rather not discuss it.
He (my therapist) did a lot of that today. In a fifty minute session he 'checked in' at lest half a dozen times. He also applied a common strategy as far as therapy goes (we learned it in my helping interview class winter term) and matched my tone, and, to a larger extent, my affect. Good strategy, ment to make the client feel at ease... and it's usually pretty effective... however the quiet, patient, 'soft' tone and demeanor is also something I just don't handle very well (weird I know... I blame my impatient, abusive dad for at least part of that)... I ALMOST asked him to knock it off (stopped myself just in time... after all he's only doing his job).
OK, therapy, whatever, that's not a lot, I'll agree with you.
Add the meds appointments where I've also got to go through similar (though thankfully less detailed) discussions as to how I'm feeling, how has my cutting been, my drinking...
Add to THAT the case worker who is pretty much like a therapist only this guy even asks me if I've got enough to eat (and if I'm eating enough... yes, and no *shrug*). Last weeks appointment included discussion about my depression (how long, etc) cutting (how often, how deep, what I use :-s, etc).
OK, what am I complaning about, there are lots of people who want help but are unable to get it, and here I am with what I consider to be an overabundance...
*shrug* I'm stupid I suppose (or at least a little silly). I hate it, I can't stand it... I feel humiliated. I know it's unreasonable... Y'all have 'hear' me say more than once that I am aware of my double standard when comparing myself to others... that I lack the patience and understanding that I naturally extend to others. I've got a BA in psychology for crying out loud!!! You'd think I'd get it together. And intelectually I know all that good stuff... It's just the rest of me that has a hard time coming to terms with it.
Pointless blog, but it almost feels better to have written it. Almost.
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