Per Ardua

I have more than one tattoo. I've got more than one unconventional piercing as well (and by conventional I mean the single lobe piercing that most women have) if you really want to know. But it's the tattoos that concern me tonight. Specifically the one that reads, simply, Per Ardua. It is the McIntire (MacIntyre, or a few other spellings, take your pick) clan motto (my Great Grandmothers maiden name) and means through difficulties (or through adversities, which translation I myself prefer). Because I worry about giving too much identifying information over this blog I won't tell you where this tattoo is. Still I suppose even without that information the story bears mentioning, though the writing is probably more for my own benefit than for any of yours.

I'm feeling rather Awful, you see. At the same time I am almost just existing. Not the 'stare vacantly into space' just existing... I'm just... existing. Anyway tonight I had in mind to cut. Specifically I wanted to cut 'please'(I will draw the line at telling you where). 'Please, what?', you may ask. If only I knew. 'Please, let this all end'? 'Please, let me find a way to get the help I need, that I want'? 'Please, let me find the courage to take my life, thus ending this mess'? 'Please, can't everything just be better, normal'? *shakes head* I honestly don't know. Probably it is a combination of all those things. Whatever the meaning behind the word that was the plan and I had everything I needed to do it. And then I that tattoo. Per Ardua. Through difficulties, adversities. And I couldn't do it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I want to. There is something about the whole stupid thing that makes me want to cry even as I sit here writing this and I notice the razor blade on my kitchen table... and know I will not use it, even as I did not use the one earlier.

My clan motto. Per Ardua. Through difficulties, adversities. Well damnit if i am to be totally honest I am getting a little sick and tired of difficulties, sick and tired of adversities, sick and tired of getting through them. And yet here is one more difficulty, one more adversity that I will get through before the night is over, as small as it is. When will it be the last one? When will I finally be able to say, that's it, I'm through?

Damn tattoo.