with my confession? Well, not the confession exactly but the realization that cutting that vein was intentional. I mean, if I am truly honest with myself I can say that I knew it was intentional even as I was telling everyone it was an accident. But having written it down... *sigh* I just am not sure what to do with it. It is not like there is anyone to tell and besides it is probably not all that important at this time.
But with this admission... You see I tend to do things to prove to myself that I can do it, maybe later. I think by finally admitting to myself that it was intentional... I do not think I am scared exactly, of the knowledge... I am tearful but I can not tell you why, I cannot even hazard a guess I definitely cannot tell you exactly (and damn if I can actually cry, I mean, that would only be fair and so why would I be able to?).
*sigh* I do not know. Sorry for the useless post.
3 comments:
How is that a useless post. You just admitted something very important.
Tis true... but I do like to think that sometimes what I write holds some interest for others and this one might not... *shrug*
Sometimes we test limits because they're there. When we're depressed or at the edges of whatever emotional road we're traveling then we're more likely to wonder where exactly those boundaries lie. Because unless we know we can't really be sure of where we're at in relation to the world around us or even to ourselves.
I've been to that place - of pushing myself over lines I wouldn't ordinarily see much at all. It isn't a pretty place, obviously but it can have its purpose, I think. Sometimes it takes a bit of time to put it into some sort of perspective, though. But they do say the first step is admitting you have an issue so I think you're on your way.
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