I almost cried today. Even now, less than half an hour later I cannot remember what it was that I was thinking that should bring me to the brink of tears. Whatever it was I decided that it was not worth crying over. I blamed the sudden influx of tears on fatigue (though I slept until after ten o’clock this morning), hormones (sorry boys, a fact of life we women are reminded of monthly, almost like clock work), and my bodies’ readjustment to the medication it had been without for some two months. I reasoned, though, that tears were not warranted at such a time and that to cry would be silly and without point.
Silly and without point. Such a judgment brought to mind something my first therapist wrote in the termination summary of our work together (having interned at my University for the past school year he left after three months of our working together): “________ may see some emotions as bad or frightening...” I have written several times of my disdain of emotions and feelings. However, upon reflection I do not believe it is emotions and feelings themselves that I loath. Rather it is the discussion of how I myself relate to such things. I detest discussion of my own emotions and feelings because I am always left feeling as if there is something which I lack in this area, that I am deficient in some way. I know this is not what was meant by the afore mentioned quote or by any other observations made during the year I was involved in therapy. None the less it is how I often felt.
“________ may see some emotions as bad or frightening...” Bless him, the notes from the first three months of therapy are riddled with various forms of the word ‘frightening’ and I deplore such observations. I do not agree with such an interpretation of anything I may have said during the course of my therapy with this particular man, though having gotten to know some of his character during those three months I am not surprised nor do such statements cause me anger, but rather frustration at being misrepresented. I do not see any emotion as bad or frightening though I will admit to finding some less desirable than others. On the contrary I believe the experience of emotions to be largely (if not completely) beyond a persons control and therefore there is no reason to see them as negative especially in reference to the individual and their character. I do make a distinction between ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ emotions, a distinction I believe to be rather common sense and one easily agreed upon (and in fact I have found numerous references to such a distinction in various journals of psychological study). Rather it is the way a person may choose to express certain emotions that I find at times ‘bad’.
As a child I had an awful temper. The intensity with which I often expressed it is, to my mind, surprising for a child so young. The complete disregard I showed for others feelings, especially those of my twin brother, always so dear to me despite appearances, causes me even now
to experience some sadness. And though I often experienced guilt of a similar intensity after such violent outbursts of anger (God, will the memories which even now haunt me ever cease?) again and again my anger exploded. It is such violent expressions of anger that I hate and not the anger itself. I know personally of the lasting damage that can be caused by such virulent displays of anger. Be it anger directed by oneself toward another the reverse, or even the anger of another observed be it directed toward a particular person or animal or just exploded in a fit of rage it has the ability to leave a lasting impression, a scar which will not fade.
Emotions as bad or frightening? Whether they are good or bad is a distinction which I believe can not and should not be made, for they are emotions the experience of which is beyond our control. How we express emotions can be controlled and a judgment of good or bad can be made here. Such violent expressions of anger as those I was prone to as a child are inappropriate, damaging, and I believe, ‘bad’, though the emotion itself is neither good nor bad. The tears I left unshed this morning? A negative expression of emotion? I do not believe so, despite my reluctance to shed them. Such reluctance is due to the simple (and perhaps not so simple) fact that I do not like to cry. But that is something to be reflected upon at a later date perhaps.
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