Is it terrible? I think it kind of is. With this Nothing in place of my future; without a job and a way to pay my bills... I almost(?) wish I was in the place I inhabited some months before... because if I could die then there would be no more worries. No more worry about not having a future, no more worry about finding work, no more worry about paying bills.
The problem is I am feeling good enough that I am not able to do anything toward that end; good enough that even the thoughts of it are just thoughts and have no real affect on me (other than to cause me to wish that they WOULD have an affect on me). I have thought to myself, in a detached way, that if I stopped taking my meds I could probably reach that point again. But (unfortunately?) I'm just a bit too responsible for that.
*sigh* I know that it is better to be in this spot than where I was before, intellectually I do... but that other part of me wondering, even in it's detached way... gosh, it's sick to think it, sick to wish for it, just plain sick... but I can't help it.
Sorry, rather a melancholy entry but 'tis where I am *shrug*
3 comments:
You summed up how I often feel very well and it does always strike me how awful, and indeed how sick, it is to think that way. I hate that I can think such things.
No, I don't think it's terrible of you to have such thoughts. Sometimes I feel the same way. It's all part of the illness, and you can't really help where you are at at the moment.
I feel this way sometimes. Right now I am doing so well, but when I overdosed, I didn't have to plan for the future because my only future was my next overdose. I think it's just the complacency with knowing your pain will soon come to an end rather than a real want to actually end it all. Just my .02.
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