Reflecting on my graduation party (last night). Family and friends came. I hugged people, smiled, and laughed. I allowed my five year old little cousin to hang all over me (it seemed I was her favorite person that afternoon... as I left she jumped -literally- into my arms and as I set her down she did not let go of my neck until she kissed my cheek). Outwardly I appeared to be enjoying myself. I appeared happy. But I felt... nothing.
Should I have? Should I have actually FELT my apparent enjoyment and happiness?
I honestly don't understand this 'feelings' thing... I don't know when I'm missing out on a 'feelings opportunity' I do know that feeling nothing in regards to my little cousins attention (especially that last hug and kiss) was odd as, when I am able to actually able to feel and identify something (usually happiness and/or enjoyment) it is with little ones.
Anyway, the thought struck me that this... lack of feelings, for lack of a better term, may be a big part of why the thought of death does not bother me... That only occasional feelings and emotions make it easier to take it or leave it as far as life is concerned. Why that would be I am not exactly sure... but I really think that it is a good possibility.
*shrug* Ah, well, who knows. Anyway maybe I'm not really as different as I think. Maybe others don't experience feelings/emotions as often as I think they do. I don't know. I don't think I really understand... And I'm not sure I ever will...
I hate this.
1 comment:
Sometimes you could tell me that the world was going to explode and I wouldn't give a damn.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a zombie, a numb empty shell.
And other times I am nearly boiling over from everything going on inside.
I doubt it's just like that for you, though.
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