Spring term.
A worrisome cut.
A doctors visit.
A 'crisis' counselling session.
Another doctors visit.
A summers worth of therapy.
Zoloft.
More therapy fall term.
Withdraw from a class.
Sporadically attend the other two.
Meds appointments.
Over doses.
Winter term. Therapy.
Academic and financial aid probation.
Withdraw from same class.
Attend other two slightly more often than last term.
Meds appointments.
Paxil.
Zoloft.
Stitches.
More over doses.
Spring term. Therapy
Financial aid probation.
Stitches.
Almost admitted to hospital.
Two additional therapy sessions that week.
Emergency room (same week). This ones more serious (hit a vein) . Stitches. Narrowly escape admittance.
Wellbutrin (in addition to the Zoloft).
So many meds appointments...
Have to graduate.
Continue in all classes, attend sporadically.
Try and find housing.
Job hunting.
Government housing.
Though still in apartment am technically homeless as I must be out by July 7th.
Lots of paper work.
Prescription for my cat(?).
Still more over doses.
Graduate, but just barely.
Summer. More therapy.
More over doses.
Meds appointments.
Work at old job, one last summer.
HopeSource.
Caseworker.
Pathetic.
All those years being in control of my depression. One year of giving up.
I once had plans, dreams, and goals.
I now have one day at a time, and a future that makes me wonder if there really is a point. No goals, no dreams, no plans or desires. No motivation, no will.
It took a long time to hit bottom. But I am there. It's a long way back up. And I am tired.
4 comments:
I disagree with one thing you wrote. The last word there should absolutely not be "pathetic", instead it should say "survivor".
*hugs*
~Shiv
*hugs back*
Thanks, you're very sweet. But it's not like I stuck around because I wanted to. Gosh, yesterday was so bad I was once again considering taking my blade to my wrists... And not only did it not concern me, I kept thinking that it would be easier this time because the blade is new, only used once.
*shrug* So really I'm just here because I'm stuck. Meanwhile everyone and their dog knows I'm fucked up now:
Hey I have just stumbled across your blog (via genius gone wrong i think) living with this illness is difficult, but i hink the key to success is to understand what you can and cannot do. Dont punish yourself for what the ilness has done, reward yourself for what you are dealing with.
Yeah, well, I'm with Shiv. You're not pathetic - not to my eyes anyway. But then I've been there, and in all likelihood will be in that emotional position again so...
yeah, my point is that I get how hard it actually is - day to day. I would never (and I don't think Shiv would mind too much my saying he wouldn't either) associate the word pathetic with someone struggling with depression and so much else.
That list you wrote is no cake walk, and even the strongest among us would be unlikely to find it any easier so there is something in that. Whether you want to call that being a survivor or simply doing what you can is entirely up to you.
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