I Wish I Knew Another Language (actually a rant of sorts)

I wrote this as a post on an 'online community' I am involved in and the thought 'What the hell, may as well post it on my blog. Not like too many people read it anyway ;)'

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That is, I wish I knew another spoken language I'm pretty proficient in ASL if I do say so myself but you can't really write in a signed language). Don't worry I'm getting to the "ranting/venting" part. It's just that some times I would really like to go off in said 'other language'. I've no idea why. Perhaps it is a privacy thing since the people I associate with tend to speak only English. Alas, as I do not know any other language I guess I will have to go off in my own native English.

I hesitate to write this but what else do I do? See, I've got no one to talk to. At least, no one to talk to about such things. Not right now. Hopefully again but right now that person with which I would usually confide in, and, lets face it, whine to, well that person has their own problems to deal with right now. They would probably kill me if they knew this (which is why I hesitate to write it as they are sure to read this) but that's just the way it is. I will continue with my feeble efforts to not dump my problems on them. I wish I could keep them from them entirely but it's just getting too hard. If it happens (just did tonight :pinch:) try to put a bit of a humorous spin on it but... it's very obvious... whatever.

I know that after I write this I will feel as if all I have done is complain. I will tell myself that there are so many people with much worse problems than I and that I am simply melodramatic. That I just need to pull my head out of my ass and get on with life like everyone else. But for the moment, I will allow myself to just write.

I took a nap this afternoon. No big deal people take naps all the time and Sunday afternoon seems to be a favorite time. So really what I did was become a cliche. I slept from some time after noon until five this evening. Honestly the only reason I got up then was because I had to feed the boys (the cat and dog) and take the dog out. Were it not for that I am sure I could have slept straight on through till Monday morning (with minimal interruption in that sleep).

It's just...

I feel awful (huh, didn't take long for the first chorus of 'You're so Melodramatic' to start running through my head). I hate blaming this all on the lack of meds but the fact of the matter is that when I ran out of Wellbutrin things started to get a bit worse and when I ran out of Zoloft as well *shrug* here we are. My sleep pattern is awful, my appetite is almost nonexistent (which unfortunately does not keep me from eating :pinch:) and I don't want to do anything. Lord, sometimes I can't even be bothered to find the remote for the TV so I can watch a show I usually like. I have to make myself do things (it took me three days just to get my tiny apartment sized kitchen clean!), things I usually enjoyed, responsibilities that the thought of shirking would normally cause me to balk. And if asked to do something additional... well I can usually guilt myself in to doing it (babysitting, for example, which I usually enjoy as I do love little ones) but I spend the time leading up to whatever it is I have agreed to do just dreading it, knowing that I am just not up to it.

I went nine months without cutting. It was not always easy. Some times the only thing that really kept me from doing it was how far I had come. I've cut twice now and if you want to honest truth... well, I'm not sure I really care. I can't really tell you how I feel about it. Mostly *shrug* I'm just numb.

I hate this. I really do. I hate that I seem to be dependent on these meds. That, I think, is what I hate the most. I know that statistically I am screwed (my last major depressive episode having been my fourth which means that, statistically speaking, my odds of having another one are as close to 100% as you can get). I know that. But I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm only 26 for crying out loud 'the rest of my life' could be a LONG time yet.

And yet, who knows. The longer I go without my meds the shorter my life expectancy could become *shrug*.

Я трахающий ненависть это! Моя голова - такой беспорядок, что я не могу даже бросить пригодное качество! Я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это!

Ah good ol' translation programs *sigh*.