*This post is in the beginig phase of writing. When I am done it may very well look vastly different than it does now. However for some reason I cannot explain I wanted to get what I have posted before I went to work. Please bare with me the poor writing style and all as I will be refining it as soon as I can*
I'm stuck. Caught in this state of Not Quite. Not Quite depressed. Not Quite Normal. Not Quite anything. Now in all honesty Not Quite is slightly preferable to the Pit. And Not Quite is, well, not quite *insert groan here* the same as that Dysthymic haze that more often than not enveloped me when I was not in the Pit. But Not Quite leaves me trapped in a place where I can still be haunted by ghosts of the past, plagued by problems I would rather not recall, relive, or experience again. Problems such as suicidal ideation (I love using that phrase :) Makes me feel smart, lol). I know that, having unlocked that particular door I have now become incapable of closing it. Death, for me, will always be an option, as much as I wish it were not. But that problem brings with it one particular Ghost, that man I blame for pushing me to that point. Because I truly believe that were it not for the actions of this one, sick, twisted (I'm trying to come up with a word that can describe just exactly how I feel about him but as yet I am at a loss) I would not have reached that point, the point where I realized that I could, in fact, take my own life. When it comes right down to it I even believe that, were it not for him, for what he did, that last major depressive episode would not have been nearly as bad as it was. I blame him for causing me to go so deeply down in to the Pit that I could not even function. And so it stands to reason that maybe he is at least partially responsible for where I am now, or more precisely, where I am not. That maybe he must take a portion the blame. I am not where I had hoped to be. I have lost my dream (I desperately wish I could grab hold of it once again). Not only have I lost that dream for the moment, should I find my way back to it I am not sure I would be able to accomplish it. I would love to go to graduate school. My GPA was such that I had decided that was one goal for my last year of university, to get it up so that I could go forward with that dream I held so dear (oh how I wish I could impress upon you how much I wanted this, how excited the thought of that future made me). I had already succeeded in getting it to a 3.0 (usually the minimum GPA graduate programs will accept) the spring before. This year I would take it up as high as I could. I would work hard at my classes, research with a professor, volunteer, do everything I could think of to give myself the best chance of getting in to the program I wanted. Instead I spent most of that year in bed sleeping or just staring vacantly at the wall or ceiling with literally no thought in my head (it's possible, really, I've experienced it). I skipped classes to sleep and often even when I was physically present in a class I was also only physically present. Try as I might I could not seem to pull myself together enough to pay attention to anything (and believe me, I tried hard).
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