A Perpetual Twilight

It’s very much like traveling to a new country, or one to which you had not been for many years making the memory no more tan a dream, veiled in a thick fog, distorted and unreal. Your first reaction is one of awe, wonder, and an excitement which fairly radiates from somewhere deep inside. Every turn you take, every sight your eager eyes capture to be filed away as a precious keepsake seems to you the most alluring, most mesmerizing, wonderful thing you have ever seen. My lord, until now you had been SO unaware of what you were missing! The mind reels at the thought that you never knew such a place existed. What is more you now see clearly from whence you came. The scales fall from your eyes and you realize how wretched that place you once inhabited truly was. You find yourself dumbfounded that you had once preferred that musty, stifling hole to what lay beyond (whatever that was you did not know), what is more, that you existed there so long.

Then, gradually, you begin to emerge from your state of euphoric reveling and notice that dusk has settled around you, enveloping everything in an eerie light casting amorphous shadows all around you. A rising Uncertainty begins to blot out the wonder and awe you s recently had enjoyed. As dusk gives way to twilight and twilight to the cold cloak of night your joy becomes eclipsed by something dark and familiar. Ambiguity. A dull, Lifelessness you were certain had been left in that dank hole leaving you free for the first time in what seemed an eternity. As the Uncertainty continues to slowly wash over you you cling to the hopefulness that had just recently bathed you in its warm glow. Its there, a former shadow of its former magnificence. There, in the dead of night (dead? You shudder as memories of a time in the not some distant past when you existed in such a state of living death begin to assault you, a time when you longed for a real death, knowing it would be a relief) you frantically search for any sign of twilight and the coming dawn but find none. You flip through the quickly faded memories of the Joy and Hopefulness you recently experienced. You find it here, fighting against the darkness that threatens to imprison it forever. You see its faint light along the horizon struggling in vain to prevent the black veil of Ambiguity, of that which came Before, from once again consuming you. The twilight before the dawn. And there you remain, a poor imitation of the Normal you believed you had finally achieved, a Normal now tainted by Uncertainty, Ambiguity. And… Something else… A Something which you are unable to name and therefore unable to gain control over regardless how long you wrestle with it. A perpetual twilight.
~
(to be continued at a later date... the explination comes)