And it wasn't even all that long ago. Yet I remember it as if it were a dream. It just doesn't feel real.
I have proof. Journal entries and scars. Charts, health and counseling, that make note of it many times over. And memories, I have the memories. Dark. Though dream-like the memories are befittingly dark. It was, after all, dark time.
It's not that I wanted to die. I just didn't want to be alive anymore. I assure you, such a statement makes sense. However, I am glad you don't understand it. Because to understand would require experiencing such a time and that, my friends, is something I would not wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
But as I was saying, it's not that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to be alive anymore. I wish I could explain it. I... Was done... I didn't want to subsist. *sigh* It's so indescribable. The nothingness that consumes your soul. Emptiness that clouds your eyes. It's a point where you don't even feel the depression anymore, a point where the anxiety has faded away and you are truely left with... Nothing. Ugh, you'll never understand. And thank God for that but... I wish I could describe it adequately...
Maybe then I would understand it myself.
*sigh* There was a point to this blog... I'm not sure what it was...
6 comments:
"It's not that I wanted to die. I just didn't want to be alive anymore."
Exactly. Oh, yes. How can something that makes no sense make so much sense? But then it's Alice down the rabbit hole - it's wonderland. A different place, a world within a world wherein all the usual rules are suspended without suspense of any kind anymore.
It is so many things, so very far from anything at all usual that the usual words could never do. So hard to capture a state so strange and yet so familiar. So grey, so nothing, so up and down at the same time.
I'm glad it doesn't feel real anymore, though. I know for me that was a very good sign.
CK, I do always appreciate your comments. Not see they so eliquintly put (rather makes me jealous of your skills as a writer ;)) but there's so much wisdome and experience behind them... Thankyou so much for bothering to read and comment.
I do understand. I've been there many times over.
That statement does make sense, believe me. I get it though I wish I didn't.
But like catatonic kid said, it's surely a good thing that it seems surreal now, maybe that means you're getting over the worst if it seems like you couldn't have felt that even though you know you did - wow if you follow that you're a genius!
Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to say I understand what you're saying and I'm glad you're forgetting how that feels.
hello there. i feel like i can relate to the posts you've written on your blog that i've stumbled upon while looking up self-injury on blogger. i hope you don't mind if i continue following the posts on this blog.
Thanks all, for your comments. Wish it felt as sureal now as it did then but things certainly are still better than they had been, thank God.
♥ charnanie ruby, I'm sorry you can relate, but you are more than welcome to keep up with my blog. I don't always post regularly (no internet at home and sometimes just nothing to write) and sometimes my posts aren't really worth reading... but go ahead, I started this blog in hopes that folks would read it, learn, understand, empathise...
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