I can't give in. I can't allow this Nothing to totally consume my being (though it has already consumed my Soul), to render me compleatly incapacitated, incapabul of anything more than sleeping, breathing, hurting. I suppose it is strange that I should want this, to just be consumed by this Nothing, this Darkness. But at some point fighting becomes too exhausting. To drown in the Darkness, the Nothing is so much more desirable than continuing to fight it. Going about your life as if everything is OK. Functioning while running on empty. Giving what you don't have. When there is no end in sight, when you can no longer see your future, to be consumed by this Nothing is preferable. It's terrible, to be sure and I very much hope you do not have to know what it feels like (though I know a number of you do). But it's familiar, comforting, in a way. It has no expectations, no demands on your time. The only thing it takes is your life and at that point how much do you really care? With no future what worth does your life have?
To just exist... I want more, and yet am not sure there is more out there... And giving in to this Nothing sounds rather lovely, though unfortunatly impossible. Responsibilities remain. University. Work... it never ends...
5 comments:
Oh that temptation to just let it swallow you, the knowledge that the pain would stop and you'd just be numb. No more fighting.
But the Void costs more than it tells us, it's a free ride with a bill at the end. It takes our love, our lives, our identity. It takes our time, our mind, our joy. It takes our will, our motivation, and our relationships.
That is why we have to fight. In numbs us into sedation while it rapes us of all that is good and worthwhile in life.
Keep fighting sweetie. It's hard, but the alternative takes for more in the end.
*hugs*
~Shiv
Very eloquently put and much appreciated *hugs back*. But, does it get better? What life, what identity? The life I knew is no more, my true identity lost somewhere along this treacherous road. My mind is thick and sluggish, my joy only a faint shadow of what it once was, a fickle friend, a rare visitor. My motivation rarely appears and my relationships.... Well it seems I have done my best to distance myself from them.
So you see... Intellectually I know fighting it is worth it... The rest of me feels it's just too hard. Ah well, such is life I suppose: wake up, survive, go back to bed.
Wow, such powerful words. I feel as if you just pulled them from my head. The comfort of the black blanket of darkness sounds so appealing. Yet, it is deceiving because it can swallow you whole before you know it. And at times you don't even care. I know that place.
My therapist of 20+ years believes that if a person can be depressed before they were born, then I would have been. He is positive that I was a depressed infant. I remember having my first suicidal thought at two years old, not that I knew what it was, but I had thoughts of not wanting to be. I've had at least five episodes of major depression only two were treated the others were before 21. I'm currently in a major depressive episode now. I've had two hospitalizations. I started with SI when I was 4 or 5 and it escalated into my 40s. Just a few people know. I even hid it from my husband for a while. Most people would not know that I've been depressed my whole life because I was/am an over-achiever...hid behind it, so much that I did not even know.
I just started a blog very similar to yours. I am so encouraged and proud of you starting one. The more truth about yourself you speak and bring into the light the more the darkness dissapates (?) The more truth you speak the more light there is. Keep speaking. I know it is tough, but I really admire your courage. I am going to put a link in my blog to yours because of this. You encourage me to continue with mine. It is only 7 days old.
I can empathize with your pain and I can tell you that IT DOES GET BETTER, but you have to fight for healing!! That's the sucky part. But, fight with what you have and be satisfied no matter if you can fight or just know that you need to. Fighting also means reaching out to support when you need to. That is the tough part for me. I can't believe that I told you that it gets better and actually mean it.
Your are worth fighting for yourself or letting others when you can't. NEVER LET YOURSELF GIVE UP. It isn't a perfect process and can be messy and will suck, but it is worth it. I'll pay you not to tell my therapist I wrote this...I don't want him to use it against me.
Now, I figure...could be totally wrong that you want to cuss me out or that you were encouraged. I hope it is the latter.
Sorry this was so long, but you really touched me. I see a lot of myself in your blog...you took my words. See now you have my ramblings of a medicated and yet still depressed mind!!!
Hang in there...I promise it will get better...I've been there and tomorrow I might be there too. But never give up...NEVER.
I just realized that I dumped on you. In that I think much of what I wrote to you is what I wish someone would have said to me at your age. Sorry it if wasn't relevant.
No worries clueless. All comments are much appreciated. And I am used to people 'dumping' on me. In fact, I like it (probably why I hope to eventually get my masters and become a counselor). Besides, I wouldn't call that dumping.
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