I've thought this quite often recently. I only voiced it yesterday. I am done. D-O-N-E, done. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go home, but I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be anywhere. Life after university looks like one monotonous existence. 'Get up, survive, go back to bed'. And so I'm done. It's all rather matter of fact really. And the fact that I am done doesn't bother me. I'm OK with it. It feels... I don't know, normal, just... what is. *shrug*
The distressing part (for me any way) is that I'm not REALLY done. That is, I am done, but I'm still here. I'm done , but I still have to function, I still have responsibilities. And it sucks. It sucks to be done and to still exist. It sucks to live day in and day out when you're done. It's not worth it.
Now I suppose such an attitude could seem pretty alarming. No worries y'all, I'm too well medicated to kill myself. Not medicated enough to be OK with living despite the fact that I'm done, but too well medicated to kill myself. The thought has crossed my mind that, if I stop taking my meds I'd get to a point where I COULD... But so far I'm still on my meds and so I'm stuck.
7 comments:
Maybe, it is a day where it is okay just to be done and stay in bed, if that is where you really are...sometimes I'm told just go with the flow instead of swimming up current...I'll just stay in bed and sleep. Better alternative than killing yourself.
Have you ever tried just going with that state completely? I've felt like that, unfortunately, and the only 'solution' I've ever come up with that works in the short-term is to give in to it entirely. I walk around thinking 'i'm dead already' so all my fears, pain, anguish, anxiety, boredom etc. etc. are null and void. If you're dead you're just a blank slate and that's that. It brings me an almost peaceful feeling - like it allows me to just rest completely while yes, I still do whatever it is I have to do but it's not so much 'me' doing it anymore. Just a 'happy phantom'.
Don't get me wrong, I think we should do all we can to get back into the swing of things but I have found that playing dead for a day or two can really just feel like a weight is lifted from me. I'm a bit free and easy for a while because nothing much really matters at that point.
Just a thought since it sometimes works for me though I well admit I'm bonkers so I don't expect it's something that'll work for everybody.
I COMPLETELY understand. It's such a horrible feeling. I hope you can work through it.
Clueless, I wish it was just one day... it's not though, I'm done, full stop. Anyway, staying in bed, or, as you suggested catatonickid, just going with it is not an option. I need to function and try and finish university (though that's a little iffy at the moment). If I don't then not only am I stuck here when I'd rather be 'Done' but I'm stuck here when I'd rather be 'done' AND I'm huniliated, AND I feel like a failure, AND I have to deal with my family who want to know WHY I failed...
F**k it...
It isn't written in stone that you have to stay in school right now. You can always take a break. There are always other options, but sometimes it takes someone else to help us see those. When do you see you therapist or psychiatrist next or can you call them. I am concerned. Especially since I don't know your writing or you that well yet. Please let me know when and if you talk or see someone.
I can tell you I've been in that place too when it just never ends and in my journals I write that and sometimes just say, "f**k it all...I'm through." But, it is more me just getting it out, but I still needed to talk to my therapist about it. I hope you are able to do the same. I can promise you that if you stick it out and do the hard, sucky, work that it does get better...Again, I can't believe that I can actually say that and I have been where you are!!! Please let me know how you are doing also.
I'm supposed to graduate in just a little more than two weeks. I've been at this stupid BA for almost 6 years... I totally dropped the ball this year and so am behind, yet again.. I have to finish... But I don't give a shit any more.
Clueless, I've got another therapy appointment tomorrow afternoon (damn). We'll see how it goes... As long as he doesn't lock me up...
You made me smile because I took 6 years to get my B.S. and I barely made it through the last semester. That semester, I had injured myself enough to require medical attention and it is the only thing that has left really visable scarring. I really fell apart that semester and one of my professors gave me a huge hug and told me that they (faculty) did not think that I was going to make it. Even so, I was awarded my major's highest award. But, it was one hell of a tough semester. I did not think I was going to make it, either.
I'll be praying for you and be good to yourself...just two more weeks. SIGH, I know that it sounds like a long time!!
Take Care,
CC
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