A Thought or Two

There has been a lot of drama on one of the online support communities I belong to. A lot of drama. I myself experienced a broad range of emotions; from livid, to 'just' angry, hurt, confused, and violated. And while it has left me a bit worse for wear I also came away from it with a small bit of insight regarding my SI. I'm not entirely happy with what I came up with but still, I'm sure it is a start in the right direction.

I cannot remember whether I burned or cut over this unfortunate situation. To be honest my SI has been a bit more frequent than usual, as of late and while I can usually tell you about the recent ones (when I did them, maybe even why) I've just not been together enough to retain that I guess. The method is not important anyway, so much as the feeling behind it and that feeling, was anger. OK sure, that sounds reasonable, right? Well, as reasonable as it gets when discussing reasons for intentionally hurting yourself which, after all, is not in and of itself reasonable. But I digress. What is strange about this particular reason is that it was not the anger I was feeling toward this particular individual that sent me for my tools; rather it was anger toward myself and the feelings I was having about the situation (the anger, the hurt, the feeling of violation...). And since then I have noticed that, what triggers me most are feelings of frustration toward myself frustration, more often than not, about feelings that I decide are unreasonable. Negative. Bad. Now, the 'experienced' part of my mind, the psychology student in me, is not at all surprised at this. I've ran across this idea more than once between the reading I've done on SI and the talking I've done with my online friends who engage in similar 'activities'. But it has taken me quite some time to apply it to myself.

I'm sorry, I'm thinking 'out loud'. I used to write better than this. Believe it or not I am the same person who wrote those posts in 2008 ;) I'm going to have to stop writing or I'll just feel worse about myself, lol. *shrug* Ah, well, what to do...