Why?

I've got a few friends in town I needed to talk to about the year + that I 'checked out'. Well, really only two and seeing as how they are married (and how the answer I got from the one made me feel) I think only talking to one will do just fine.

He was my campus minister while I was in University and after I asked him about it it felt rather like a mistake. Certainly it was not a good idea. Not with how it has made me feel since. Because apparently I was just gone...

He told me that the year before it had seemed to him that I was only participating because I felt obligated to. This lead to them believing that when I stopped coming altogether that it was because I did not want to be there (as those of you who have kept up with my blog know -if there are any of you, lol- my last year at University I decided to no longer be on the leadership team of our University group at church. This included leading worship at our Uni nights.).

But why? Why in the world did he (they) think that? Why did they believe it? I had been so happily involved not only in our Uni group but the church in general. I was always there. For the longest time the only times I missed the group was when I was out of town. I talked to JAJ and his wife (but mostly him) about all sorts of things. I babysat their oldest (and for a few years their only) child all the time. I (thought) was a big part of what went on there. And I loved (still do, really) that family so much. How could he (they) believe that all of a sudden I decided I did not want to be involved any more. That when I started fading away and eventually stopped coming altogether it was simply a case of my not wanting to be involved anymore.

He is right about one thing. The year before my life fell down around my ears I did get to a point when I was participating mostly out of obligation. I had a responsibility to the group and so I went. But it was not because I woke up one day and decided I didn't want to be involved any more. I was already at a point that I wasn't doing very well and it was continuing to spread to more parts of my life, even the parts most important to me.

And that year? That year I spent much of my time hardly functioning. It was not that I did not want to go, to be a part of 'my group'. It was that I couldn't. I honestly couldn't bring myself to do anything more than necessary and even then I often skipped over the responsibilities I still had.

Now, to his (their) credit, I did not really say anything to them. But it's not exactly an easy subject. How do you tell someone who has never experienced anything like it that you are just too tired? That for some reason you really cannot do much more than lay in bed and stare vacantly at the ceiling, or hide under your pillow and stare vacantly at the wall (there's a lot of vacant staring), or simply just sleep the hours away? How do you tell someone you care about, who you believe cares about you, that you do not want to live any more. That not only do you not want to live but that you are very willing to take your own life as soon as the time is right. That you already have it planed, in detail: the notes you will leave (the note in the bathroom with me and another note on the door telling my roommate to call someone for support and then call 911), the time of day you will do it (after all, you will need enough time to actually die before the roommate comes home and stops you), how you will do it (a bottle of pills and then settle in the tub -fully clothed because I refused to be one of those folks found naked as the day they were born- so I don't make too big a mess and slit my wrists. I couldn't.

But why? Why didn't he check in? Why didn't he ask? Why didn't someone do something? My behaviour was clearly out of character... why did no one clue in? Why did one of the people I care most about, one of the people I felt closest to... why did he assume something so out of character for me... and not ask about it?

They left me alone to kill myself... And I came so close to doing just that... All the while they just assumed I wasn't there because I didn't want to be.

For the love of God, why did no one ask?! I love these people, I care about them so much... and I thought they felt the same... yet the did nothing!