I can't stand it any more!!
I think of the future, of what might be... of having a job, going back to school or living till I'm in my 80s or 90s (OK so that doesn't happen all that often). It seems it doesn't really take much to get me thinking of suicide. Really. Something small, some feeling in my throat just... anything. I've said that I no longer see death the same, that I believe it will always be a viable option in my mind. I think because of this... Ugh, I don't know!!! It's always there!! I don't want it, ugh, I just want it to go away, to leave me the fuck alone!!!
3 comments:
And some people think living to 80 or 90 still isn't long enough.
A lot of older people are proof that the future is pretty lame too.
I hear your cry; I'm there right now too. The darkness encloses me.
I have accepted that death is always a viable option for me. The only way not to is to lie to myself about who and what I am.
I visualise it as a tarot layout; with the death card face down. At any time I can turn it over and deal with it. Yet every moment, I choose not to.
My life is a struggle against death, so what may come is irrelevant to me. The future is not for me. There is only today...
I hope the intensity passes soon... for us both.
Darkness: I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in such a state as well. I hope very much you find your way out soon.
Mariah: *nods in wonder* I'll never understand how people can dread death like they do or how they can want to live for so long... it makes no sense to me... I wish it did though *shakes head*.
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