The Plan

It was a pretty thorough plan. It had to be. After all, if I was going to hurt those I loved like this I needed to try and soften the blow as much as possible. Although many people would have told me what a selfish action my plan was (I’ll admit, I agree, to some extent) still I wanted to make it as easy as possible for those I loved and cared for, especially who would first be affected.


First of all I needed enough time. I figured a block of a few hours at least... I was going to use two methods, just to make sure it worked because if it didn’t... *schoff* I thought life was difficult then but it was nothing compared to what it would have been had I attempted and failed. The time wouldn't be too hard to find. My room mate had taken to going out a lot with friends (I’m assuming she had become tired of hanging around me).

I needed two notes, one to go on the outside of the bathroom door. Some time after all this, a friend and I would talk about the fact that those who don’t really want to succeed will talk about the act, let people know, even subtly, what they are planing. They’ll have the attempt planed so that they will be found. If they write a note it may well be positioned as to be found before they believe they will be dead. I, however, should I decide to follow through I knew better than to talk about it. I would have a note, two in fact, as I have said. I love my family and I want them to remember that. That would be the purpose of the first note. My apologies, what it was about them I appreciated, that I loved them. Instructions as to who needed to be informed that they may not think of such as the folks on the web site I frequent (I guess groups like them have been called ‘support communities’) a friend on my Messenger contacts who I met on that particular site but who no longer frequents it. There would be specific things that needed to be said to those folks as well.

The second note was to make the discovery easier for my roommate That I made sure in my plan that I would have sufficient time to complete it before being found made the notes very unlike those notes folks that want to be stopped leave. The one to go on the outside of the locked bathroom door was simply instructions to my roommate. Though the door would be locked it was just a flimsy lock you find in apartments. I didn’t want her to try and get in herself. It would first tell her to call some friends (specifically I would suggest some older -but still young- folks from her church) because she would need them. It would then tell her to call the police , 911, whatever (I suppose she could take her pick). The point simply that someone else needed to be the one to open that bathroom door. The second note would be in the bathroom with me. It would address certain people specifically (a good handful actually).

The first note. Thinking of what to write to everyone was hard, but not overly so. The hardest one to think about was my niece. She is just the cutest little thing in the whole world (you’d agree if you saw a picture, I guarantee it). I’m not sure I could love anyone more than I do my sweet girl. And though she and her parents live a few states away and I have only seen her a handful of times she loves her Auntie :). The last time they were up she stood there for a minute, her head cocked to one side, looking at me. Then she grinned and toddled over to me, plopped herself in my lap and me to cuddle and kiss her before we read the book she had brought with her. She followed me everywhere (and I mean everywhere, lol). It was my knees she wrapped her little arms around, my face she stared up into with those big, dark eyes, me who she ‘asked’ to pick her up when she just wasn’t sure of her Uncle Justie, a big tall man in a brown hat. She ‘helped’ me make tea for myself and Great Grandma (meaning I had only one hand to do anything with as she was sitting on my other arm... but do you think I cared? ;)). When Auntie was feeling lousy and therefore ‘picked on’ as everyone seemed to have an opinion on how she should make other Great Grandmas birthday cake (apparently my family believes that folks never made angel food cake before the electric mixer as evidently I needed to use that. I didn’t, We used a wooden spoon and it worked just fine thank you very much) she toddled in and again sat on my arm while we made the cake and put it in the oven. She ran to me when I would hunker down and hold out my arms. She would wiggle and giggle in my hands as I swung her into the air. I’d have to say she’s the best thing in my life (well her and now Aunties sweet boy as she now has a baby brother -she is just thrilled with him!-). It was the part I would write concerning her that was the hardest. She is still quite young, after all. Were I to disappear now she wouldn’t have any memories of me. I would write that my family needed to be the ones to make the decision as to whether or not she should know she had once had an Auntie. If they DID decide to tell her they needed to tell her that her Auntie had loved her more than anything in the world and that she was a big reason I stuck around as long as I did (lol just writing about it now is making me cry). Thinking of her was the hardest part.



But life had gotten to that point. The point where I was really wondering how selfish everyone else was in asking me (and folks in situations similar to mine) to stick around so they wouldn’t feel the pain of loss. Did they not understand how much pain I was in? How lost I felt? How much I felt I had already lost? The future I no longer seemed to have? I had gotten to the point where I now cared less how my suicide would affect them. It was a dangerous spot. Thankfully I got even worse than that Wait for it, it makes sense, I promise). Not only had I come to care less (not totally ‘not care’ just less) what it would do to those who loved and cared for me I got to the point where I couldn’t do much of anything, let alone end my own life I now no longer even had the energy or the will to do even that. I had truly hit bottom (it has been said that the two most dangerous times as far as suicide goes are the time right before you hit true bottom and the time just after you’ve hit bottom on your way back up) and let me tell you it is not a fun place to be even if it is safer in comparison.

I’m not at bottom any more. To be honest I am not entirely sure where I am at. I do know that I do not have a plan anymore. For one thing I live with myself now, the first plan would need a complete make over. And I don’t need it :), I don't need a plan. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still plagued with periodic thoughts of suicide. But they’re nothing compared to what they had been. They’re not there multiple times a day, not even every day. Just, once in a blue moon. And they are not of the same quality as before. They don’t feel the same. While still there they have become, for the most part innocuous. And I like it that way.

Now, if only I could find a job and get caught up on my bills my life would be as close to Normal as it has ever been ;)