Pride

I'd like to try and address pride today. Now, this is not going to be your normal, everyday discussion on pride but then what is there on this blog that you have read that IS normal?

I was thinking the other day. Really, I was feeling rather hypocritical. I think I have mentioned before that I have much more patience with others as far as their feelings (be they negative or positive), problems, and the like are concerned. I can more easily accept and even encourage the feelings and the expression of those feelings in others than with myself. When it comes to my own feelings, especially those that I deem to be 'negative' (ie anger, sadness, depression) I often tell myself that I am reacting inappropriatly; that I am being unreasonable or melodramatic; that I have no business feeling that way. It's funny because I know that such thoughts themselves are unreasonable. Can I stop them? No. Would I like to? Mmm, I think so, yes.

How does this all relate to pride you ask? Well to start I have come to the conclusion that many sins can be linked back to pride if you really look hard enough. Are such impatient thoughts and feelings toward myself sins? I don't think so, not really. And what about these thoughts makes me hypocritical? Well, I'll tell you.

I have the distinct impression that a lot of my problem is that for some reason I do not believe I should feel this way. I do not think I should get angry, and more imprtantly I do not think I should be so easily saddened, that I should be depressed. I try and tell myself that it is because I believe I have no reason to be depressed, that I am causing it or making it worse. And yet, I wonder... Is my problem more of a pride issue? Could I be thinking that I shouldn't be depressed because, for some reason I can not even begin to come up with, I believe that I just SHOULDN'T feel that way; that it is beneath me? I don't know. I very much hope not. And yet...

I do not like the way my thoughts have turned regarding this. I do not like the idea that I could possibly feel 'better' than depression. Intellectually I know that is not the case. Yet I shudder to think that the rest of me does not. That once again the disconnect that exists between my head and my heart is rearing its ugly head and causing problems yet again.

Just another thing to be frusterated with myself about I suppose... *sigh*

C'est la vie.

I Don't Want It

My family recently learned about my cutting. It wasn't entierly an accident. My younger cousin recently wound up in the hospital with a concussion, a neck injury, and a host of other problems from over dosing while she was huffing keyboard cleaner. In an attempt to make a point to a couple of my other younger cousins I told them about my cutting. My Aunt later asked one of the girls what I had said and while she tried not to tell one thing lead to another and my Aunt learned of my secreat shame.

I am actually not sure who all knows. The girls, my Aunt, my mom... It doesn't matter, it is too many. And the concern, the worry, the nagging that comes with it...

I know it sounds unreasonable, stupid even, but I don't want any of it. People talking about my 'hurting' makes me want to roll my eyes and gag. People believing they can help when they can't, thinking that I even want their help in the first place. I don't want their concern, their worry, their help, their comfort. I don't want their pitty and I don't want to be taken care of.

Sound a bit strange? I think it is confusing for those of my family involved too, don't worry. To be honest I don't have a good reason for you. I just don't remember a time I ever really liked any of that.

I'm not a hug person. Now most folks who know me would be suprised to hear that, and they deffinatly wouldn't agree. Let me explain what I am talking about.
I love people. Sometimes I'd like to smack some of them upside the head, but I love people. I want them to feel comfortable, wanted, stuff like that. And I have a tendancy to be very expressive in this pursuite. I will hug and throw my arm around someones sholder in order to draw them out or make them feel better. I think this has caused some confusion on the part of others because I tend to get hugged and draped all over the same way. I can't stand it. I have to work to not stiffen at their touch and not let them know I'd rather they weren't touching me, hugging me, whatever. I don't appreciate a hand on my back as someone talks to me (if you're letting me know you're passing behind me that's ok).

This goes double when I am feeling lousy. I don't want a hug when I am crying or otherwise feeling bad. If I do I will ask for one. I remember one time I was upset, a friend had just died. My mom reached behind her to where I was sitting in the back of the car and rubbed my knee. I wanted to tell her to just leave me alone. In fact I was disgusted with the touch.

I have come to the conclusion that as long as I am the one to initiate the touch I'm OK with it. Otherwise, I'd just as soon be left alone.

It's the same way with concern, comfort, and the like. I don't want to be taken care of and I don't want unsolicited comfort.

lol I'm going to stop now as I seem to be repeating myself.

My point: I just want to be left alone, for heaven sake.

There, that is my unreasonableness for the day lol

Good Video, Life House "Everything"

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My Child, My Beloved

I wrote this last night. To be honest, God and I are OK but we aren't speaking all that much. Not because I'm mad at Him or anything, it just kind of happened. We aren't all that close at the moment, I don't feel connected. So this didn't come from that. *shrug*

It's not very good either, as poems go. Then again, I've never really cared about that any way so no worries...

Here it is:

My Child, My Beloved

My Child, My Beloved
Daily I have watched you
I have heard your laughter
And seen your beautiful smile
I have heard your singing
And witnessed your kindness
I have basked in the glow of your happiness
And treasured the joy you have shown in My creation
I have watched you grow
And delighted in the treasure I made in you

But with the joy and laughter
Have come sorrows

Dear Child, My Beloved
I have watched you hurt
And witnessed your anguish
I have longed to gather you in My arms
And hold you as you weep
I have whispered My love to you
And cried as you have cried
My heart has ached
And My own tears have fallen
As you once again reach for the Blade
Praying the relief will last
Knowing that it will not
And once again you do not cry out
For the healing and comfort I long to give

My child, My Beloved
Know this
I Am your Rescuer
I Am your Redeemer
I Am your Comfort
I Am your Peace
I Am your Father
And I will always love you

Over Dosing

My younger cousin was in the hospital about three days this past weekend. Apparently she and her older sister, along with their respective boyfriends, have been into pot, huffing, and who knows what else for some years now. This time she over dosed and wound up in the hospital.

Stupid... right..?

I'm in a bit of a spot at the moment in regards to this. I definitely believe that this drug use is stupid. These kids are going to have a long road ahead of them if they sincerely want to stop as they have claimed. My entire family is concerned. I am concerned. I'm also feeling a bit hypocritical...

You see... I've over dosed. Four times as a matter of fact (one fairly recent). Unlike the kids, I don't do it for the high. As a matter of fact I tend to do it before I go to bed, so the only time I feel it's effect is when I wake for a brief period of time during the night. Why do I do it? I'm not entirely sure. It's something to do... something that is not cutting. I know how much I am taking, approximately how much I need to take to reach toxicity, approximately how much it takes to kill myself. I haven't been attempting suicide, y'all can breath again. Would I mind if it killed me? Honestly? Not really. And when you think about it that makes sense logically. I mean, when you're dead you tend to not care about much of anything anymore. People like to say 'Well but there is so much you will miss'... um, you're dead, you aren't missing anything. *shrug*

Anyway, back to my spot... I'm just not entirely sure if it's kosher for me to be upset with the kids for doing something that I do myself. I don't do it as often, mind you. And, if it's possible, I do it more responsibly. But there really is nothing responsible about it...

Is it the same..? I just don't know...

Forever Lost

It has been too long
Too long since I was able to identify feelings
Too long since I could fully explain thoughts
Too long since I knew myself
And I am
Forever Lost

Yeah, not that great, not that long... and yet speaks volumes...

Nothing

Have you ever experienced Nothing? No? Then let me describe how Nothing is for me.

Nothing. Wow. Come to think of it Nothing is rather hard for me to explain. lol if I could describe me experience of Nothing I think I might make my counselor the happiest man on earth, at least for the 50 minute session ;-)

Nothing. I suppose actually a good way to start describing it is to let you know how exactly indescribable Nothing is. Nothing is also Empty. Not the all-consuming Emptieness that I talked about in the last post. This one is more Numb. And yet, not the same asthe Numbness that I have felt in the past. It's just... Nothing. I know nothing, I feel (for the most part) nothing, I don't even think much at all... again... almost nothing. It's just... Nothing.


Nothing doesn't usually show up alone. He often brings a friend or two, usually Teary. I wish, sometimes that he would bring Tears with him, but that rarely happens... I get stuck with a second cousin , a cheap, unsatisfying immitation :-s.

Hmmm. I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to describe it to you any more fully than this.