I don't know if I can go back. It's probably just the poor timing as far as this whole mess is concerned. I was already feeling shoddy. And then... then you jumped all over me for deleting a thread. How was I supposed to know that it is not kosher there? Especially when the same feature is standard on just about all message boards and no one yells at you for deleting a thread on those. All you had to do was tell me that it isn't something that is done there. That's all. Very easy. One, maybe two sentences tops. Instead you immediately started talking down to me. And then when I expressed confusion, not at what you were telling me, I never once disagreed with you there, told you that you were wrong... I was just confused as to why you were jumping all over me. But instead of listening to me, instead of reading and processing that... you saw something else. I suppose it was my fault, in some ways. I definitely shouldn't have been so sarcastic as I was. I bite, when I'm feeling lousy and then someone pokes at me. And instead of trying to bring you back to what I was saying... well, yeah, I just got sarcastic. I didn't try and explain, I responded to what you were writing which had very little to do with the point I was trying to make, the confusion I was feeling. And you started reacting to my attitude, my sarcasm. And you started getting mean. How many times did you allude to the fact that you think I am immature (references to 16 year old's, 'wondering' why you would have to be explaining this to an adult)? How many times did you accuse me of deleting that thread as 'punishment' or insinuate that I had some malicious intent when I told you time and again that was not the case? You called me a liar at least once (used the word 'feigned' though I cannot remember the rest of the sentence and I cannot bring myself to look through any more of that mess to find it). You made me sound like a horrible, insensitive person and I am not. You were mean.
I don't know if I can go back to that. I don't know... You hurt me, very badly. I... I can't figure out what I want to say but... I don't know.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Realization
It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks; a realization so unwelcome, so unexpected, and so devastating that, once it fully sank in, I felt something akin to grief.
To fully explain I must first give you some idea of how this revelation came about. The problem is that, in order to do so I'm afraid I have to make myself sound like a stupid, jealous, unreasonable child (which may unfortunately be pretty accurate, from time to time at least).
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She was rude and inconsiderate of anyone's feelings other than her own. Tactless and critical she had been driving me nuts the previous few days (despite my best efforts to not let her get to me. We were on a mission trip for crying out loud!). Worse still her behavior toward a mutual (married) friend was irritatingly inappropriate. She seemed to always be sitting by him and she flirted with him constantly. And I was jealous. I knew it. I knew it, I hated it, and I couldn't seem to do a damn thing about it.
One night while observing the interaction between these two and (silently) reminding myself not to be an idiot, that ton of bricks came crashing down on me. What I was really jealous of was how comfortable the relationship between the two seemed to be. How she seemed almost to take for granted that he cared for her. How easy the (platonic) intimacy was between the two. I realized how much I wanted to have the same certainty in my relationships. The same easy intimacy.
And I realized that none of that may ever be possible.
It feels impossible, at any rate. I'm not sure I can. I don't even think I know how. And I can't figure it out any further because I don't understand it. I can't explain it any further, can't take it any farther in my own head... so how am I supposed to fix it?
To fully explain I must first give you some idea of how this revelation came about. The problem is that, in order to do so I'm afraid I have to make myself sound like a stupid, jealous, unreasonable child (which may unfortunately be pretty accurate, from time to time at least).
---------------------
She was rude and inconsiderate of anyone's feelings other than her own. Tactless and critical she had been driving me nuts the previous few days (despite my best efforts to not let her get to me. We were on a mission trip for crying out loud!). Worse still her behavior toward a mutual (married) friend was irritatingly inappropriate. She seemed to always be sitting by him and she flirted with him constantly. And I was jealous. I knew it. I knew it, I hated it, and I couldn't seem to do a damn thing about it.
One night while observing the interaction between these two and (silently) reminding myself not to be an idiot, that ton of bricks came crashing down on me. What I was really jealous of was how comfortable the relationship between the two seemed to be. How she seemed almost to take for granted that he cared for her. How easy the (platonic) intimacy was between the two. I realized how much I wanted to have the same certainty in my relationships. The same easy intimacy.
And I realized that none of that may ever be possible.
It feels impossible, at any rate. I'm not sure I can. I don't even think I know how. And I can't figure it out any further because I don't understand it. I can't explain it any further, can't take it any farther in my own head... so how am I supposed to fix it?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
A Preface
*sigh* There seem to be so many things I cannot explain. So many feelings I cannot quite put words to. Understandings that I can take no further. Worse, the harder I try the more frustrated and unhappy I become. But I'm going to try. I am going to stumble around these most pressing of topics and then post them here, on my blog, in the vain, desperate hope that someone will read and understand. That someone somewhere can at the very least point me in the direction I need to go to figure this stuff out And before anyone states the obvious, no, therapy is not an option. Believe me if I could afford it (I have no health insurance) I am desperate enough now that I would already be looking for a good therapist.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Please, don't ask that of me...
She basically asked me to give her permission to kill herself. To let her go. She says all this at the same time she asks me to not talk to our mutual friend. So I had no one. (I'm a terrible friend. I did tell our friend. She just kept on and I couldn't do it. Unfortunately it just made things worse for our friend. I didn't mean it to but I should have known)
She keeps saying it doesn't matter. That we shouldn't care. But it does matter. We do care.
All three of us are so stressed. We're all so touchy. For the most part, none of us want to burden the others. It's no good for any of us but we are all three so alike it is no surprise.
I wonder how much SI will go on because of this? I hope for my friends, none (especially for the one as, well, we just never know with her now). For me... maybe some burning, I don't know. The good news is, I guess, that I'm pretty numb feeling right now so most of this is only having so much effect. Burning... it probably isn't necessary (which is good because I don't have much in the way of first aid supplies here).
She keeps saying it doesn't matter. That we shouldn't care. But it does matter. We do care.
All three of us are so stressed. We're all so touchy. For the most part, none of us want to burden the others. It's no good for any of us but we are all three so alike it is no surprise.
I wonder how much SI will go on because of this? I hope for my friends, none (especially for the one as, well, we just never know with her now). For me... maybe some burning, I don't know. The good news is, I guess, that I'm pretty numb feeling right now so most of this is only having so much effect. Burning... it probably isn't necessary (which is good because I don't have much in the way of first aid supplies here).
Monday, February 15, 2010
Another post from another forum
Once again I wrote this on a thread I have on an online SI/SH community. As you can tell it's just a reaction to some folks in that community who are causing some problems amongst the other members.
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I cannot stand the melodrama! The attention-seeking! Some of us actually have these problems you people are just using as ways to get the attention you crave! This is serious stuff people. Life and death stuff. Its stuff that incapacitates some of us so much that we can hardly get out of bed. Stuff that haunts us while we are awake and stalks us in our dreams. Life, for some, really is a living nightmare. And you, you who are out only for attention, you take up space much needed by others. You monopolize support that others need more, sometimes desperately so. You can counter, I suppose, that if the support is so desperately needed than your sniveling posts should not be any sort of hindrance. But the problem is that while the rest of us speak honestly from the heart, from the very depths of the emptiness inside, you are master manipulators, saying just the right thing to get the maximum amount of attention, which is, after all, really all you are out to get in the first place.
Do you understand the damage that you do, however inadvertent it might be? Or is it that you just do not care? Because the rest of us, those of us who really are suffering, we could do with a little less of your drama, I think. Especially when you expect us to be the ones to satisfy your need for attention. And being those who actually experience and understand that which you only fabricate, we provide that attention. We are, after all, the perfect audience. We know what you are talking about and are sympathetic to that which you pretend to experience. Because we have been there. We are there. We live it day in and day out. And after all, why would we automatically assume you are just using us when we ourselves are there for a purpose. We are there to offer and receive support. And that is what we do. We support. We support you because we understand the need for support. And while you are getting the attention you crave from those of us who have so little to give emotionally... we keep hurting. We keep seeking support that is no longer there. Support that has been wrung from those who have the least to give and therefor have nothing left to give those of us who really need it.
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I cannot stand the melodrama! The attention-seeking! Some of us actually have these problems you people are just using as ways to get the attention you crave! This is serious stuff people. Life and death stuff. Its stuff that incapacitates some of us so much that we can hardly get out of bed. Stuff that haunts us while we are awake and stalks us in our dreams. Life, for some, really is a living nightmare. And you, you who are out only for attention, you take up space much needed by others. You monopolize support that others need more, sometimes desperately so. You can counter, I suppose, that if the support is so desperately needed than your sniveling posts should not be any sort of hindrance. But the problem is that while the rest of us speak honestly from the heart, from the very depths of the emptiness inside, you are master manipulators, saying just the right thing to get the maximum amount of attention, which is, after all, really all you are out to get in the first place.
Do you understand the damage that you do, however inadvertent it might be? Or is it that you just do not care? Because the rest of us, those of us who really are suffering, we could do with a little less of your drama, I think. Especially when you expect us to be the ones to satisfy your need for attention. And being those who actually experience and understand that which you only fabricate, we provide that attention. We are, after all, the perfect audience. We know what you are talking about and are sympathetic to that which you pretend to experience. Because we have been there. We are there. We live it day in and day out. And after all, why would we automatically assume you are just using us when we ourselves are there for a purpose. We are there to offer and receive support. And that is what we do. We support. We support you because we understand the need for support. And while you are getting the attention you crave from those of us who have so little to give emotionally... we keep hurting. We keep seeking support that is no longer there. Support that has been wrung from those who have the least to give and therefor have nothing left to give those of us who really need it.
I Wish I Knew Another Language (actually a rant of sorts)
I wrote this as a post on an 'online community' I am involved in and the thought 'What the hell, may as well post it on my blog. Not like too many people read it anyway ;)'
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That is, I wish I knew another spoken language I'm pretty proficient in ASL if I do say so myself but you can't really write in a signed language). Don't worry I'm getting to the "ranting/venting" part. It's just that some times I would really like to go off in said 'other language'. I've no idea why. Perhaps it is a privacy thing since the people I associate with tend to speak only English. Alas, as I do not know any other language I guess I will have to go off in my own native English.
I hesitate to write this but what else do I do? See, I've got no one to talk to. At least, no one to talk to about such things. Not right now. Hopefully again but right now that person with which I would usually confide in, and, lets face it, whine to, well that person has their own problems to deal with right now. They would probably kill me if they knew this (which is why I hesitate to write it as they are sure to read this) but that's just the way it is. I will continue with my feeble efforts to not dump my problems on them. I wish I could keep them from them entirely but it's just getting too hard. If it happens (just did tonight :pinch:) try to put a bit of a humorous spin on it but... it's very obvious... whatever.
I know that after I write this I will feel as if all I have done is complain. I will tell myself that there are so many people with much worse problems than I and that I am simply melodramatic. That I just need to pull my head out of my ass and get on with life like everyone else. But for the moment, I will allow myself to just write.
I took a nap this afternoon. No big deal people take naps all the time and Sunday afternoon seems to be a favorite time. So really what I did was become a cliche. I slept from some time after noon until five this evening. Honestly the only reason I got up then was because I had to feed the boys (the cat and dog) and take the dog out. Were it not for that I am sure I could have slept straight on through till Monday morning (with minimal interruption in that sleep).
It's just...
I feel awful (huh, didn't take long for the first chorus of 'You're so Melodramatic' to start running through my head). I hate blaming this all on the lack of meds but the fact of the matter is that when I ran out of Wellbutrin things started to get a bit worse and when I ran out of Zoloft as well *shrug* here we are. My sleep pattern is awful, my appetite is almost nonexistent (which unfortunately does not keep me from eating :pinch:) and I don't want to do anything. Lord, sometimes I can't even be bothered to find the remote for the TV so I can watch a show I usually like. I have to make myself do things (it took me three days just to get my tiny apartment sized kitchen clean!), things I usually enjoyed, responsibilities that the thought of shirking would normally cause me to balk. And if asked to do something additional... well I can usually guilt myself in to doing it (babysitting, for example, which I usually enjoy as I do love little ones) but I spend the time leading up to whatever it is I have agreed to do just dreading it, knowing that I am just not up to it.
I went nine months without cutting. It was not always easy. Some times the only thing that really kept me from doing it was how far I had come. I've cut twice now and if you want to honest truth... well, I'm not sure I really care. I can't really tell you how I feel about it. Mostly *shrug* I'm just numb.
I hate this. I really do. I hate that I seem to be dependent on these meds. That, I think, is what I hate the most. I know that statistically I am screwed (my last major depressive episode having been my fourth which means that, statistically speaking, my odds of having another one are as close to 100% as you can get). I know that. But I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm only 26 for crying out loud 'the rest of my life' could be a LONG time yet.
And yet, who knows. The longer I go without my meds the shorter my life expectancy could become *shrug*.
Я трахающий ненависть это! Моя голова - такой беспорядок, что я не могу даже бросить пригодное качество! Я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это!
Ah good ol' translation programs *sigh*.
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That is, I wish I knew another spoken language I'm pretty proficient in ASL if I do say so myself but you can't really write in a signed language). Don't worry I'm getting to the "ranting/venting" part. It's just that some times I would really like to go off in said 'other language'. I've no idea why. Perhaps it is a privacy thing since the people I associate with tend to speak only English. Alas, as I do not know any other language I guess I will have to go off in my own native English.
I hesitate to write this but what else do I do? See, I've got no one to talk to. At least, no one to talk to about such things. Not right now. Hopefully again but right now that person with which I would usually confide in, and, lets face it, whine to, well that person has their own problems to deal with right now. They would probably kill me if they knew this (which is why I hesitate to write it as they are sure to read this) but that's just the way it is. I will continue with my feeble efforts to not dump my problems on them. I wish I could keep them from them entirely but it's just getting too hard. If it happens (just did tonight :pinch:) try to put a bit of a humorous spin on it but... it's very obvious... whatever.
I know that after I write this I will feel as if all I have done is complain. I will tell myself that there are so many people with much worse problems than I and that I am simply melodramatic. That I just need to pull my head out of my ass and get on with life like everyone else. But for the moment, I will allow myself to just write.
I took a nap this afternoon. No big deal people take naps all the time and Sunday afternoon seems to be a favorite time. So really what I did was become a cliche. I slept from some time after noon until five this evening. Honestly the only reason I got up then was because I had to feed the boys (the cat and dog) and take the dog out. Were it not for that I am sure I could have slept straight on through till Monday morning (with minimal interruption in that sleep).
It's just...
I feel awful (huh, didn't take long for the first chorus of 'You're so Melodramatic' to start running through my head). I hate blaming this all on the lack of meds but the fact of the matter is that when I ran out of Wellbutrin things started to get a bit worse and when I ran out of Zoloft as well *shrug* here we are. My sleep pattern is awful, my appetite is almost nonexistent (which unfortunately does not keep me from eating :pinch:) and I don't want to do anything. Lord, sometimes I can't even be bothered to find the remote for the TV so I can watch a show I usually like. I have to make myself do things (it took me three days just to get my tiny apartment sized kitchen clean!), things I usually enjoyed, responsibilities that the thought of shirking would normally cause me to balk. And if asked to do something additional... well I can usually guilt myself in to doing it (babysitting, for example, which I usually enjoy as I do love little ones) but I spend the time leading up to whatever it is I have agreed to do just dreading it, knowing that I am just not up to it.
I went nine months without cutting. It was not always easy. Some times the only thing that really kept me from doing it was how far I had come. I've cut twice now and if you want to honest truth... well, I'm not sure I really care. I can't really tell you how I feel about it. Mostly *shrug* I'm just numb.
I hate this. I really do. I hate that I seem to be dependent on these meds. That, I think, is what I hate the most. I know that statistically I am screwed (my last major depressive episode having been my fourth which means that, statistically speaking, my odds of having another one are as close to 100% as you can get). I know that. But I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I'm only 26 for crying out loud 'the rest of my life' could be a LONG time yet.
And yet, who knows. The longer I go without my meds the shorter my life expectancy could become *shrug*.
Я трахающий ненависть это! Моя голова - такой беспорядок, что я не могу даже бросить пригодное качество! Я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это, я ненавижу это!
Ah good ol' translation programs *sigh*.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
How do I say goodbye
How do I say goodbye, my friend
When it is clear that your time has not come
How do I ask you to stay
When I understand too well the emptiness, the hopelessness that you feel
How do I let you go
When I know my world will be that much more empty without you
______________________
I hope I've written this prematurely. She lives literally half a world away (well, more or less) which, as she pointed out, means I cannot tell anyone of her plans. In two weeks my friend who has talked me through my depression as I have hers is giving up. There is nothing more I can think of to do. I've tried everything I know how. And so I sit back and wait, ferverently praying I will not recieve the Facebook message or email telling me that I have one less friend in this world. And that, hard as I tried, I was unable to help her.
When it is clear that your time has not come
How do I ask you to stay
When I understand too well the emptiness, the hopelessness that you feel
How do I let you go
When I know my world will be that much more empty without you
______________________
I hope I've written this prematurely. She lives literally half a world away (well, more or less) which, as she pointed out, means I cannot tell anyone of her plans. In two weeks my friend who has talked me through my depression as I have hers is giving up. There is nothing more I can think of to do. I've tried everything I know how. And so I sit back and wait, ferverently praying I will not recieve the Facebook message or email telling me that I have one less friend in this world. And that, hard as I tried, I was unable to help her.
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